"i have to speculate"

i've been unreasonably tired lately.

i wonder if it's due to the stress of a new semester (or the stress of living up arguably four flights of stairs and about a half mile from each class) or due to some other factor such as poor eating habits, my grandmother dying (father's mother, not gramma), or intense missing of the love of my life (OMG!!)

mom is doing well so far after her surgery (gastric bypass). she had it about two weeks ago now and is recovering well and has already lost some weight. though i'm skeptical about it, i'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt. if she thinks she can turn her life around with this surgery, i'm rooting for her.. especially since it will make my life better. yeah, totally selfish, but i think she sort of owes it to me -- the best thing she ever did for my childhood was work days so that i could spend more time with gramma, drawing my upbringing more from her than from my own mother.
my mother has taught me some valuable things about parenting - namely what not to do. she's impatient and inconsistent. you know what i wanted most from my mother as a kid? a chore chart. that way i'd have an infallible list of crap i needed to do so that i could do it before she could start being unreasonable.

i feel like a more full person, though, having dealt with the childhood i had. i can empathize more keenly with accounts of distress, both real and fictional. and, because i am in a greater position for love now (with my baby making every effort he can), i can similarly empathize with those who are in the best of situations. what i cannot ever understand, though, is those who have never dealt with either substantial or sustained abuse and who feel nothing for those who have. it is these bigots who cut so badly as i try to heal the wounds of my youth.

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