"we move together like underwater plants"

i'm feelin' a little bit rushed.

yesterday was a whirlwind sort of day. i hauled myself out of bed and wasted time until breakfast then had an exhilarating discussion in english 456 (including a brief one about the relationship of epiphany, moments of vision, and jouissance) and then dawdled and didn't have time to mail out the package that i need to send out by today (amazon marketplace item). i rushed off to lunch with a friend of mine and had a good time (despite the sometimes desperate lulls in conversation), but waited too long to leave for class and was several minutes late to italian. after italian, i scooted over to the HUB to buy some gum to mask the stench of tuna breath before bolting to my job interview and arriving just a few minutes late (but with a call making sure my arrival was anticipated).
the interview went well.. it was my first "real" job interview. i've only had two other jobs and interviews: one with barbara nesbitt ("amanda, you can type, right? want me to pay you to do it?") and one with wawa ("you're here? you're hired." thanks ken!). the girl interviewing me was really nice - she was a good conversationalist and answered all my questions. she asked me about my previous experience with public speaking and my ability to persuade (the job is lion line.. i get to call alumni and ask for money.. werd). overall, she was really nice and i felt pretty confident. i start training on monday. after i ultimately get hired (::crosses fingers::), i'll be making $6.50/hour flat-rate and then i have the opportunity for raises based on performance, attendance, and coming back next semester. she said that, if i just sit on my butt and make a few phone calls, i'll walk out with ~$20 after my three hour shift. if i do a good job and really work hard to convince people to gimme money, though, i can definitely get a lot more out of it.. and so will the university.
right now i'm putting off writing the rest of an essay for my english 497C class.. it's the "new york jew" course and i'm a little intimidated. i've got an essay due today for a class to which i've only been twice.. i don't know the prof and i don't know really what he wants. we haven't discussed the book and .. i think i might also be responsible for a 2-3 page reading response and class discussion today. the syllabus says that he'll just choose some people from the class to turn in the analysis and do the discussion, so i will just hope he bypasses me. thing is, the syllabus isn't really explicit about those things. it doesn't give strict guidelines or set up real duedates for them.
really, my classes are starting to get challenging and full of work. now that we've finished the fairly easy war of the worlds in english 456, we're moving onto the more difficult under western eyes which, while better written, is both longer and more verbose. tomorrow i have a quiz in that class and i've already had a quiz in english 221 (got 110%). i have an italian vocab test on friday and next friday is the first exam. i don't really feel like i've learned that much yet, though, so i'm sort of worried. thank goodness i dropped that science class!
went to my first anime club meeting last night. it was pretty fun and i watched a fun/silly anime called "please, teacher" about a hot alien babe who looks like a human with giant boobies. she and this student fall into all sorts of bad-looking, but innocent situations and have to get married to prevent the teacher from losing her job. it's pretty interesting (if ridiculous and full of fanservice) and i had a good time hanging out with banana and caz while watching it.
tonight is my first chance to go to a sci-fi club meeting. we'll be watching donnie darko and, i assume, discussing it, which should be interesting. i look forward to hanging out with a select crowd of geeks, nerds, and sundry. it's funny.. as much as i am a nerd, these people make me seem like the pinnacle of non-nerdiness. they're outrageous and physically overboard while i'm relatively docile and level-headed. when they're screaming and attention-whoring, i'm doing the same.. but in a much quieter and insidious fashion. *evil giggle* it's a fascinating thing to participate in, though, these nerd fests.. i like to witness the person that i've narrowly avoided becoming.
of course, that sounds completely arrogant. i don't look down on these people: they're fun and some are becoming my friends (if they aren't already). the thing that i find disdainful about them is their over-abundance of action. there's no reason to throw a fit when someone touches your shoulder, no reason to threaten violence if someone playfully takes your hat.

as much as i would like to dissect the possible motives behind this behavior, i need to finish up the paper i'm currently ignoring, so i'm off.. maybe to revisit the topic at a later date.


"we will become silhouettes when our bodies finally go"

today is a pretty unproductive day.

i sucessfully slept until way too late and didn't go out to capture the new shoes that i want (though anita volunteered to introduce me to buses and how public transportation can now be my friend). i did get an italian hoagie (so much meat! and delicious!) and read more for classes. by tuesday, i need to have finished war of the worlds, which shouldn't be a big problem, seeing as i only have about a hundred pages left. last night i did some italian homework and read beowulf as far as i need to for another english class on monday. i've got a paper to write by wednesday and i need to hang out in the library, probably tonight, to do the science reading that i didn't bother with the other day. so, even though today has been a pretty lazy day, i'm ok -- it's my reward for being all "on-task" during the week.
went to late-night at the HUB last night. painted a cute little trinket box and got an adorable balloon animal made: unfortunately, lola the frog has become slightly handicapped through somewhat rough treatment and circumstance. poor lola. ={ i had a good time last night, though. anita and i made dinner for each other: i made pasta and sauce and she made salad with the delicious veggie treats i brought over. it was an ironically vegan dinner, actually. *grin*

nick cazaubon has invited me (coercion notwithstanding) to join his d&d group where i will be able to make friends with a staggeringly dorky group of young men. i'm looking to be a halfling pirate. argh!
tomorrow i also have a meeting for the thespian troupe on campus. i'm pretty excited about that -- especially since they have a children's show for which i would definitely consider auditioning. i would love to work on another theatre performance, though. maybe as a less powerful being than ASM, but definitely in charge of some lights or something.
i'm also looking forward to beginning to attend sci-fi club meetings as well as anime club gatherings. i should be able to create a greater friend base as well as have a good time watching weird/fun shows with weird/fun folks. so, i'm definitely working toward having a good chance at making some new friends: my lack of a glut of close friends becomes really apparent to me on weekends. during the week, i'm super busy, but the weekends are times when i'm not going out (fine by me since most "out"ings involve alcohol that i'm not into during the school year) and when i'm not really doing much except homework -- just a sort of less social weekday.
this lack is sort of an especial problem today: while i'm sitting here being both bored and lonesome, my baby is having a great time (not the problem here, i encourage him to enjoy himself). the problem lies in who he is enjoying himself with -- a girl to whom i know he's been attracted in the past. i feel almost as he must have when, after my encounters with a former stage management team member, i still had to spend a lot of time with her. he must've worried every rehearsal about what would happen during breaks, what things i might potentially be keeping from him. while i'm not terribly worried about it - i trust him implicitly - it does still worry me that he's so far from me and so near to others and having such a wonderful time when most of the time we spend together is through a crackly and upsetting phone connection or exasperating internet messaging. it's painful to keep in touch sometimes. other times it's just impossible. and he has such easy access up there... ::sigh::
the important thing is mostly not that i'm worried, really, but that i'm jealous. it's completely unfair to him to suggest that i'm worried. but, .. i dunno.. it's hard to put my feelings into words, especially since i'm not perfectly clear on them myself.

when i was in high school, i'd go to see matt in the morning with a friend of mine. we'd refer to him as "the wizard." how ironic now that, while listening to the wicked soundtrack, the lyrics to "the wizard and i" echo so prominently. what a pair we'll be.. the wizard and i!.


"and from your lips she drew a hallelujah"

i've been struggling with some depression lately. worrying about gramma and my father and all the unwell people in my life, stressing over classes that may prove too hard or too engrossing, pining over my matthew while simultaneously lamenting the dangerously difficult relationship ours has turned out to be.. it's all really heavy to hold and i feel as if i'm standing on slippery ground.
i'm worried about the future most. i know that i can drop this science class if it turns out to be too much, i know that, if i'm completely overwhelmed by reading, i can just take it a little bit slower, employ those techniques that i've picked up over the years.
what i don't know is if i'll still be in a relationship come summertime. what i don't know is how much longer i'll have to develop a bond with my father and how much more time i have with my grandmother. just at the point where i can finally create a bond with my father, i feel as if i'll lose him. same with gramma: we've always had a bond, but i feel like i can do so much for her, if only she'll stick around long enough. i want to see her at my college commencement and i want my father to escort me up a lengthy, prettied aisle toward the man looking to become my husband. i want gramma to be there to coach me through my first child and i want my father to be able to play with his grandchild as he never really could with me.

even green day cannot clear my blues. the snow outside might help levy me up a little though. *little grin*

on the other hand, my academic career is looking ..fabulous. my classes are consistently awesome (or at least passable!). and the professors are amazing and engaging -- the reading is fascinating and, even though it'll increase in difficulty, i'm not overly worried. i can spend tons of time with anita and really catch up where we had neglected our friendship. there are plenty of unknowns, lots of things to work out with my academic advisor, really, but.. i'm thinking of petitioning to join the honors college. i figure, because i only have ~45 credits to go to get my degree, even if i finish in three semesters, they'll be light semesters.. and i could potentially get a thesis written if i were only taking two or three other courses. what do you think? i don't really know about the process for entering the college, but i think i would be eligible given my good gpa and overall performance.

study abroad is another thing that's confusing me -- should i go next year and possible leave anita in the lurch for housing? what about senior year? would that make me miss out on state college for my last year/semester? should i even do study abroad? i feel pretty secure in teaching in japan after i get my degree, i think i'll regret if i don't.. so should i even bother shelling out the extra money and time to study abroad while i'm in college when i'll be spending at least a year abroad outside of psu's lofty realms?

i've got a lot of questions and i'm a little blue, but, overall, i think i'm really ok. it's nice to get up at a decent hour of the morning and leisurely take my morning in small doses until i am again a caffeinated human being.

stop by later for more on how crazy my MLK class is going to end up being (!).
look for updates on my english classes (!!!).
check back to see whether or not i stay in science (!?!)


"i have to speculate"

i've been unreasonably tired lately.

i wonder if it's due to the stress of a new semester (or the stress of living up arguably four flights of stairs and about a half mile from each class) or due to some other factor such as poor eating habits, my grandmother dying (father's mother, not gramma), or intense missing of the love of my life (OMG!!)

mom is doing well so far after her surgery (gastric bypass). she had it about two weeks ago now and is recovering well and has already lost some weight. though i'm skeptical about it, i'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt. if she thinks she can turn her life around with this surgery, i'm rooting for her.. especially since it will make my life better. yeah, totally selfish, but i think she sort of owes it to me -- the best thing she ever did for my childhood was work days so that i could spend more time with gramma, drawing my upbringing more from her than from my own mother.
my mother has taught me some valuable things about parenting - namely what not to do. she's impatient and inconsistent. you know what i wanted most from my mother as a kid? a chore chart. that way i'd have an infallible list of crap i needed to do so that i could do it before she could start being unreasonable.

i feel like a more full person, though, having dealt with the childhood i had. i can empathize more keenly with accounts of distress, both real and fictional. and, because i am in a greater position for love now (with my baby making every effort he can), i can similarly empathize with those who are in the best of situations. what i cannot ever understand, though, is those who have never dealt with either substantial or sustained abuse and who feel nothing for those who have. it is these bigots who cut so badly as i try to heal the wounds of my youth.


"kill the headlights and put it in neutral"

went to more classes today (one more to go). the morning class was awesome. the professor (doc) is super excited and a former cowboy (go figure). the topics seem like they'll be both challenging and fun: beginning with a translation of "beowulf" (thank goodness.. hwath hrothgar huh?) and moving on through the middle ages. we'll be covering a few old english pieces and moving into middle english and then spending a good deal of the semester covering early modern english works -- shakespeare, spencer, milton, locke.. you get the idea. so, while some of it i'll already be familiar with (mostly the chaucer), most of it will be new territory, even the shakespeare. i've only read a few shakespeare plays in entirety -- the ones i know really well i've either seen in person or worked on for theatre. we're covering "king lear" and i think that should be interesting. ::shrug:: i don't really know, but the prof comes highly recommended by a trusted advisor. (thanks!).
now, my science gen ed. ... on the other hand.. i think i'll drop it. today he gave us a "brief" overview of stuff he expects to know already. egads.. it was like trying to understand a primer on quantum physics. it seems like, if i can just follow him in class (which might prove a feat too difficult), i'd do well, but i'm not confident that i'll be able to devote to it the amount of time it would probably require for me to do well in the course -- i've got three english courses that take precedence. lots of reading > lots of mitochondria.
soon i'm off to my last class of the day: a three-hour long class.. on jewish lit. werd.

this is turning out to be what looks like it could be a great semester.


"her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you"

after an exhilarating move-in weekend, i've finally started classes at university park. and i've found a greater confidence in doing so. the first class (english 456 at 9:45 am) got me off on the right foot: super excited ph. d student as professor, a great collection of texts, decent class size and setup. i'm excited about having smart peers to compete with and experienced superiors to look up to. my italian class looks like it's going to be hard -- taught in italian, apparently.. yikes!
i visited the stacks in paterno/pattee library.. egads. so many books and so little space. very claustrophobic, but still sort of fun. with shelves only ~2ft. apart forming tiny corridors of barely lit mustiness.. it was a lot like walking into a very authentic horror film location.
i'm pretty well settled into the dorm.. it's an adjustment. some of the design (like the bathrooms) is great.. other, unfortunately, not so great. the closets - not number one. the bed is nice and low, though, which means that, while i can't store much under it, i can easily make it and i don't have to take a running leap to get into it. my roommate seems nice as well. i haven't gotten to know her very well yet, but, aside from being a windows user (*shiver*), she seems like a decent person.
the desks here suck. little to no storage space and no place to stash my texts and notebooks.. a nice little place for a piratey picture of my baby.

we had some trouble over break. after our good friends announced their engagement (for which we are ridiculously happy), we had some tough discussions which, while working out now, made for a pretty miserable few days. we're slowly fixing the problems that caused our discontent and, while i'll be doing most of the problem-solving (i.e. not being aggravating anymore), i think it'll be an entirely positive thing. we'll both become more mature out of it and i think that can only be for the better.

i finally got to spend some time with caz whom i haven't substantially seen since senior year of high school. he's invited me to his d&d extravaganza and i'm pretty keen on having a pirating halfling. yesss! i've been spending a good amount of time with banana which is great because our friendship really suffered when we couldn't see eachother at school.. it's great that we can get together, with just a phone call, and have dinner and chat. we spent about four hours today just shooting the bull and chatting about comics and books and classes and ..everything. it was great.
i'm worried that i might too easily isolate myself.. i have a ton of homework for this semester and it'll be easy to just do it quietly in the library/dorm/dining hall while spending time with too few people. to help allay that fear, i have signed up for the anime and sci-fi clubs' listservs and will at least see some free movies and have some fun, geeky discussions. i'll be helping out with setsucon, too. that's the anime club's convention that sounds like it could either be enormous fun, an enormous disaster, or both. we'll see.
i'm tired and procrastinating on my already increasingly substantial homework (already!), so that's it for tonight.