i've been struggling with some depression lately. worrying about gramma and my father and all the unwell people in my life, stressing over classes that may prove too hard or too engrossing, pining over my matthew while simultaneously lamenting the dangerously difficult relationship ours has turned out to be.. it's all really heavy to hold and i feel as if i'm standing on slippery ground.
i'm worried about the future most. i know that i can drop this science class if it turns out to be too much, i know that, if i'm completely overwhelmed by reading, i can just take it a little bit slower, employ those techniques that i've picked up over the years.
what i don't know is if i'll still be in a relationship come summertime. what i don't know is how much longer i'll have to develop a bond with my father and how much more time i have with my grandmother. just at the point where i can finally create a bond with my father, i feel as if i'll lose him. same with gramma: we've always had a bond, but i feel like i can do so much for her, if only she'll stick around long enough. i want to see her at my college commencement and i want my father to escort me up a lengthy, prettied aisle toward the man looking to become my husband. i want gramma to be there to coach me through my first child and i want my father to be able to play with his grandchild as he never really could with me.
even green day cannot clear my blues. the snow outside might help levy me up a little though. *little grin*
on the other hand, my academic career is looking ..fabulous. my classes are consistently awesome (or at least passable!). and the professors are amazing and engaging -- the reading is fascinating and, even though it'll increase in difficulty, i'm not overly worried. i can spend tons of time with anita and really catch up where we had neglected our friendship. there are plenty of unknowns, lots of things to work out with my academic advisor, really, but.. i'm thinking of petitioning to join the honors college. i figure, because i only have ~45 credits to go to get my degree, even if i finish in three semesters, they'll be light semesters.. and i could potentially get a thesis written if i were only taking two or three other courses. what do you think? i don't really know about the process for entering the college, but i think i would be eligible given my good gpa and overall performance.
study abroad is another thing that's confusing me -- should i go next year and possible leave anita in the lurch for housing? what about senior year? would that make me miss out on state college for my last year/semester? should i even do study abroad? i feel pretty secure in teaching in japan after i get my degree, i think i'll regret if i don't.. so should i even bother shelling out the extra money and time to study abroad while i'm in college when i'll be spending at least a year abroad outside of psu's lofty realms?
i've got a lot of questions and i'm a little blue, but, overall, i think i'm really ok. it's nice to get up at a decent hour of the morning and leisurely take my morning in small doses until i am again a caffeinated human being.
stop by later for more on how crazy my MLK class is going to end up being (!).
look for updates on my english classes (!!!).
check back to see whether or not i stay in science (!?!)