destruction

my last post was a lament about my recent lack of creation.
what i neglected to mention though, was that destruction can be a form of creation. in fact, it's one that i've become particularly good at of late.

without destruction there can be no rebirth and birth isn't really worth anything without being a reincarnation of something. consider an infant: it's not a unique individual, not yet, at any rate. an infant is merely a reincarnation, a reinstitution of its parents. that topic is a post of itself - perhaps for later exploration.

so, back to destruction: i've destroyed a lot of things. a few hopes here and there, some naivete (hopefully), a little immaturity; i've killed a few relationships. from these deaths, though, have come all the new ways that i've been able to view things and to feel. i'm strongly reminded of tarot cards. death is a card that .. well, it tends to be scary. not because it's death, per se, but because it is change. nothing can be more frightening than change. except, perhaps, idleness. stagnation.

edit: now, it's been almost three months since i started this post and i'm just now feeling up to the finish. it has been a really long semester... it's almost over now, though, and i can't help but be relieved. i'll be moving up to state college soon, but, sooner than that, i can go home and spend time with my loved ones -- the friends and family that i neglect all year long.
i feel like i cheat my loved-ones (which i think is a terrible term, for the record). except for matthew, i hardly spend enough time with any of them. not enough decent time, that is. sure, i spend hours talking to friends, but.. am i really paying attention? when was the last time i hung on their words, hinged my soul on their thoughts?

this post started about change, and it'll end with change. the last post started, and ended, with helplessness... this one is, hopefully, a change for the better. i've started creating again. just little paper pieces turned into fun gifts, but it means a lot more to me than just paper and ribbon. i feel like a person again.

i was thinking about sending in a secret to postsecret. but, complete anonymity isn't my style. so, i'll keep it to myself, and maybe sneak it out later.. through the back door and into the sun.

helplessness

what a way to start a/n ..anything, really. helplessness is a feeling i've dealt with a lot.. especially lately.

i feel so empty without being able to produce anything. not anything creative, at least. all summer, i spent emotionally crippled and crippling. i didn't create anything.

in much the same way that i dislike the touch of certain abhorrent fabrics, so too do i loathe the feeling of not. Not. important enough to capitalize.
"there's nothing i hate more than nothing. nothing keeps me up at night. i toss and turn over nothing; nothing could cause a great big fight." -- edie brickell and the new bohemians.

i'm reading things everyday and finding things that i would love to be and to make and to love, but.. i never seem to find the time or the motivation. i'm hoping that this blog will provide me with a sort of outlet for the things i've been holding in lately. i'm hoping it can be the release i'm looking for.