Light Up My Room

Putting Up the Pickles

2009-04-22T14:50:00.002-05:00

Though I've been a terrible blogger, lately, I've been doing pretty well on the green front. Today being Earth Day, I thought I'd drop off a few notes about pickling.
My first foray into food preservation has been a series of trial and error, with a few edible creations along the way. I began with Smitten Kitchen's brilliant pickled carrot sticks. Delightful in every way! Not only were they beautiful to look at, but they tasted just sweet and tart enough to curl our toes and tickle our tummies. And they were remarkably easy to make!
Step 1: heat vinegar and spices in a pot
Step 2: pour over cut carrots
Step 3: let the carrot-vinegar mixture cool before sticking in a jar and stuffing them into the fridge
Step 4: duh, eat! (with better taste after a few days)

I used a combination of regular orange and some pretty blue carrots and that resulted in... pink pickles! They were so pretty and we shared them with coworkers and with TheBoy's parents and sister in San Francisco.
My next pickling adventure didn't go so swimmingly. I found a simple recipe for refrigerator pickles online, but it called for what I thought would be too little vinegar, so I used about the same amount for the cucumbers as I used for Smitten Kitchen's carrots... not thinking that, duh!, carrots absorb way less vinegar than cucumbers. The outcome was an unpleasantly vinegary mess of squishy pickles. Again, they came out a funny color, but this time from using red onions.. pinkish cucumber pickles are less cute than pink carrot pickles. Result: total, abject failure.

Next, I winged it. I picked up some pickling spices from the bulk bin at a local store (NatureMart Bulk Bin near the intersection of Los Feliz and Hillhurst). I poured in some vinegar, some water, and threw in a few teaspoons of spices and, when that mixture was good and hot, I tossed it over some "choice" Kirby cucumbers. Kirbies are generally great for pickling, but I didn't get around to the vinegar until almost a week after buying the cukes.. needless to say, they were a little soggy by that point. And the resulting pickles reflected that. Unfortunately, that wasn't the only problem with these pickles that ultimately went in the garbage (even the worms wouldn't eat them!)... they were really gross! Apparently, the spices I picked up were for bread-and-butter pickles, not the Kosher dills we crave. They looked so pretty! And while it was such a shame to throw them out, we just couldn't stomach them.. something about the pungent smell of vinegar combined with the flavor of cloves and cinnamon? I wonder if maybe I got mulling spices and not pickling spices!

With all these failed pickled experiments behind me, I'm thinking I'll maybe cave and buy some pickling mix from the grocery store, or follow another recipe online. After doing some research, though, I've found that it seems like all pickle recipes call for clove and cinnamon... why is this? The New York Times, Chow, and even David Lebovitz want my pickles to be yucky. Is there a gross-pickle-conspiracy growing among the interwebs.. or am I missing some vital pickle mystery?

20 Sustainable Pasttimes for Martin Luther King Day

2009-01-19T11:42:00.005-05:00

Winter is list season, so how about a list, in no particular order, of my favorite sustainable practices?

going to the farmers' market
baking bread (with organic flour and multi-using the oven)
feeding the loyal pet worms/saving snacks for said pets
container gardening (look for a post soon about basil)
drinking delicious, guilt-free coffee all the way to the last drop
volunteering (at church to teach the 4-year-olds, for me... how about you?)
shredding old bank statements into pet bedding: the worms love PNC paper.
selling/giving things away on Craigslist
donating things for which I have no use (those ugly bowls, that sweater that was so cute a few years ago, that slightly battered but still good carry on... all to Out of the Closet)
knitting
staying in to watch Netflix-ed movies, eating stove-popped popcorn drenched in homemade butter
hanging out in the sun -- walking to work, picnicking in the park, doing the laundry
taking photos (remember that old scouts camping slogan: take nothing but pictures, leave nothing but footprints? excellent advice!)
taking the bus: I get tons of stuff done on the bus and get to people-watch the most interesting section of the city.
taking advantage of the library. what's better than free books, movies, and audio? TheBoy gets free audiobooks (some valued as high as $80 on amazon, I get my bread cookbooks, guilty pleasure foodie-reading, and hard-to-find weird movies)
saving wine corks to eventually make some fun craft, like a trivet.
incidental workouts. like that time I had sore arms for days because my bread dough was really dry and needed 15 minutes of hard kneading to turn into the delicious ciabatta it ultimately became.
reusing things. I love saving money and showing off pretty purchases, so reusing glass spaghetti sauce jars is a no-brainer for storing popcorn, same with the salsa jar: lentil storage.
snuggling instead of turning the heat on.
watching important news on WashingtonPost.com or CNN.com instead of buying a TV. alternately, watching junk-food shows on hulu instead of buying a TV.

Hummingbird drinking in a friend's yard

Worthwhile Conservation: Obstacles and Enablers

2009-01-13T22:35:00.008-05:00

Over at Tiny Choices, there's been some talk about boogers. Not just any boogers, though.. these are the kind that find sustainable disposable in handkerchiefs.
All this talk about disposable tissues vs. reusable hankies got me thinking... why is conservation so hard? What obstacles do conservors face.. what people?
I got my first hankie out of Gramma's basement -- it looks like (probably is) a doily and functions beautifully. I carry it, or another hankie, with my almost all the time, regardless of whether I have a cold or not. Not only do I use it to wipe my nose, but it functions as an impromptu napkin, blotter, and apple core saver (if you can bring restaurant scraps to a dog, why not cores to the worms?). Don't worry, I was my hankies frequently. VERY frequently. Gramma still makes fun of me for my doily hankie, but my mother mocks the very idea of a handkerchief. To her, hankies are for stuffing suit jacket pockets, only -- merely decoration for stuffy (ha, pun!) occasions. My mother is an obstacle to conservation.

Mom grew up during a transition time: born in the mid-sixties, Mom was blissfully unaware of the peace movements and political strife. What she saw was my Gramma slowly canning tomatoes in a water bath and diapering children with cloth. To my mother, these were needless inconveniences. Why can your own tomatoes when tin at the store costs so little and requires so little effort? Why bother with cloth diapers, swishing them in the toilet and laundering with extra hot water, when you can buy a disposable. The easy access to disposables and easy-fixes: obstacles to conservation.

But, those are valid questions. Why, indeed? How about a few more questions, while we're at it. Why hand-knit socks? The yarn wasn't any cheaper than buying from the store and it surely wasn't as easy as finding a nice pair from a seller, but I made them. Thought and time and love went into them. Last Christmas, when I gave Gramma a specially machine-made pair of diabetic-friendly socks, she was thankful, of course. This year, she demanded I help her into her new, handmade favorites. Her nursing home friends all see her prize gift and she beams with pride for her talented granddaughter.
The same goes with my homemade bread. It doesn't take that much time, though, or love to make a decent loaf, but it surely involves more than buying some Wonder bread from Wal-Mart. Of course, nothing beats the smell of a loaf emerging from the oven, but it's more than that: TheBoy prizes my whole wheat loaf over any fancier store-bought version because I made it. He doesn't care if it's soggy inside or turns stale in just two days -- it's the bread specially made for him and him alone.

The point of this ranting? Making things at home, or just making do requires your effort and love. You can't buy love? Well, you can't just buy effort, either. And those cloth baby diapers: they leave fewer rashes on baby's bums. Those home-canned tomatoes: totally organic at a time when pesticide use was on the rise and DDT was still pretty common. Worthwhile.
What do you think: is it worth the effort and love expenditures to make things homemade, to conserve while you can? Or, are the obstacles of convenience and ridicule too difficult to overcome?

Incidentally, I'm not trying to judge here. I buy into tons of convenience items, I just happen to make bread at home (and now butter, check into my food blog soon for a post). For a bit of uplifting thought, how about the conservation enablers in your life? Farmer's Daughter recently posted about the wonderful impact of her family's matriarchs and it got me thinking about enablers and obstacles. Who helps you "make do"? Who hinders you?

Blatant Theft

2009-01-09T19:26:00.002-05:00

On Friday, I might start a series of "blatant theft" posts wherein I steal from other bloggers and follow their great ideas. Some might criticize this as what it is -- theft -- but optimistic others merely see it as sharing of ideas and community. I leave you to take it as you will.

Back to business, though. Reading! Chile over at Chile Chews proposed a wonderful challenge: read some science books. Put down that trashy romance and put away that fantasy fiction. Fantasy, really? (Just kidding, I read my fair share of fantasy.. but no romances. Uck!). Instead, pick up some educational duds and dive into a science (or science-related) book. Ars Hermeneutica (an anti-anti-science organization) is hosting a Science Book Challenge urging readers to read three non-fiction science books this year and share notes and reviews about each work.

I'm happy to say that I'm definitely participating. Here's my list (plus one!).

Pollan -- In Defense of Food
Hayes -- The Anatomist: A True Story of Gray's Anatomy
Andahazi -- The Anatomist
Schlosser -- Fast Food Nation
Singer/Mason -- The Way We Eat: Why Our Food Choices Matter

I'm cheating a little because I started The Way We Eat a few days before hearing about the challenge, but I've got four other totally valid books, too!
Do you have any recommendations? How about science-y books that you're reading/have read/might read if you get around to it? Tell in comments!

Green Resolutions

2009-01-06T15:30:00.004-05:00

Crunchy Domestic Goddess, one of the many wonderful green blogs that I follow, issued a fantastic challenge: share your green goals for 2009. One thing that I love about the blogs I've lurked around is how open they are to followers, commenters, and general participants -- there's a real community in the green blogging world, and I think it's wonderful how bloggers can lead each other to fresh ideas.

How about a review of 2008's successes? I didn't have a really green agenda at the beginning of the year, so this is really just a list of things I'm particularly happy about from the past year.

Stepped up farmers' market patronage significantly (now only shop at grocery store for flour, sugar, and some other necessities not available/affordable at the FM)
Cut out most paper towel usage (I still haven't bought any, but future MIL keeps supplying)
Baked bread at home
Switched to "green" cleaners like vinegar, baking soda, lemon juice, and Clorox's GreenWorks cleaner
Didn't buy a car, even in car heaven (i.e. I use public transportation, walking, or biking)
Slowed down unnecessary purchases
Cooked more at home
Greened up the office (more recycling bins, healthier/less packaged snacks, more annoying reminders to recycle)
Started worm composting
Increased knitting skill (+2 intellect, +3 dexterity, -4 exercising time)

And now for this year's goals:

Learn to can (like Crunchy last year, I'm a novice to "putting things by," but I love the idea of making my own apple sauce and preserving it for Southern California's brief off-season)
Completely ditch paper towels
Completely ditch unhealthy cleaners (that bottle of 409 has got to go)
Increase knitting skill further. More specifically, complete a major project (sweater, blanket, or stockings) before 2010.
Start a container garden.
Join the local CSA. This is unfortunately a long-term goal because the annual sign-up isn't until autumn.
Seriously reduce consumption.
Plan a green wedding (I'm getting hitched in June 2010).
And, finally, get out an enjoy this beautiful country. I have so much to see in the U.S. and I am aiming for 2009 to be a good time to accomplish some seeing.

I hope that everyone else is successful in their New Year's resolutions... I certainly hope I am! Do you have some green resolutions? Share them in comments.

And Back! BookReview

2009-01-05T19:44:00.004-05:00

I hope everyone's begun a wonderful, healthy, happy new year. I'm finally back from my seemingly endless, 8-day venture "back east" and ...I could use another vacation. We saw tons of lovely people, I had a delightful breakfast with my bridesmaids, and TheBoy and I spent a great deal of time just bonding and getting along together.

Over the vacation, I made some progress on a number of eco-related things, chief of which included finishing "Animal, Vegetable, Miracle." Kingsolver's book really urged me to look hard at the way and things I eat. Unlike Pollan's, "The Omnivore's Dilemma," which really only made me feel guilty about eating, Kingsolver's uplifting views challenged me to work toward a positive, wholesome food outlook.
Now, I loved "The Omnivore's Dilemma," but I felt that Pollan only presented negatives -- what not to eat -- a completely valid piece, but his only positive options were too inaccessible for me. "Animal, Vegetable, Miracle" could easily have been equally inaccessible, considering that it takes place on a rural farm in Appalachia, but Kingsolver worked hard to bridge the considerable gap between temperate Virginia and my home here in Southern California, land of the endless growing season.

Book Summary: "Animal, Vegetable, Miracle: A Year in Food Life" is, as the title suggests, primarily about food. The author's family moves from Tuscon to Southern Appalachia to ahcieve a year of local-only eating, with all the necessary steps involved in that decision. Kingsolver presents a concept of the "vegetannual," a fictional everyplant that represents all stages and seasons of plant production. We move from the seedlings and greens, in the vegetannual's spring, to fruits in the summer, to roots and squash in the autumn. The winter season bears harvests "put by" in cans along with dried and frozen goods. Kingsolver animates their year of food life with highlights from a family vacation, a Tuscan second honeymoon, and generous dashes of good humor.

There are no bananas in the Kingsolver kitchen, but this delightful book provides plenty of interest with husband Steven L. Hopp's brief, on-topic essays about ecology and where to find more information along with daughter Camille's fantastic recipes and youthful interjections. The book is light-hearted and interesting, reads clearly and with pleasure, and provides a wealth of knowledge along with completely approachable topics. The accompanying website provides an index to the book and also a complete listing of all the recipes, including the 30-Minute Mozzarella (pdf) that I'm dying to try out.

Overall, I'd recommend this book to anyone interested in getting more involved with their food, food choices, and health. "Animal, Vegetable, Miracle" is a wonderful book brimming with knowledge and good taste.

Incidentally, I'm not the only one to read books about food lately -- TheBoy is embarking on the audio book version of "The Omnivore's Dilemma" and Farmer's Daughter reviewed "Animal, Vegetable, Miracle" on her ever-delightful blog.

Holiday Hiatus

2008-12-22T16:53:00.002-05:00

Here in Tinseltown, we believe in long, drawn out, unpaid vacations. Because this (frankly unwanted) vacation time will impinge upon my constant computer vigilance, I will be updating less frequently until the beginning of January.
In the meantime, if there's anything you'd like to see written about in this blog, post a comment and I'll cover it. Otherwise, look forward to local food lectures, ideas for green decluttering, and eco-friendly snack ideas.

Happy holidays, everyone! Enjoy your snow, mistletoe, and other optional holiday accouterments.

In case you thought this post would be without pictures, allow me to prove you wrong. May I present our mushy-lovey wannabe Christmas card photo:

Edit to Lower-Impact Christmas

2008-12-18T16:17:00.001-05:00

Though we love the idea of reusing this year's do-it-yourself tree, we'll probably go with a Cardboard Christmas tree next year. This product seems super great and my only problem with it is that I found it after we had already made our own.

Our Low-Impact Christmas

2008-12-17T15:55:00.004-05:00

Lately, I've been trying to get in the holiday spirit in this snowless, not-that-cold town. Let me tell you, it's tough. First of all, I wore flip flops to Thanksgiving dinner... can we say "major paradigm shift?" Then, there was the issue of the tree. I'm allergic to cut trees, they make my face melt in boogers. Despite my allergy, we didn't want to buy a PVC-and-lead-laden synthetic Christmas tree.
We were left with quite a dilemma.

I searched online for sustainable alternatives and I found a few possibilities, but none of them seemed right for us. First, there was the giant Christmas tree made of knitted sweater sleeves. Now, I like knitting, but I've already got a few projects on the needles and I can't multitask that well. Then, I found patterns for mini knitted Christmas trees, but we wanted something on which we could string standard size lights. There was also the incredible Mountain Dew Christmas tree, made of more Mountain Dew cans than we could ever drain. Obviously, not a real option for us, though a truly unique recycling effort.

We tried other living tree options: like tiny evergreen indoor shrubs or potted pines, but they cost a good deal more than our budget allows and I have a totally un-green thumb. So, we were left with a potentially evergreen-free holiday.

No, we had to create our own Christmas tree alternative. TheBoy suggested something that I initially shot-down, but which later became our option: a paper tree. I had thought maybe of a hat rack or a ladder (or tripod, which we actually have), but we decided against those, too. A few more soul-searching conversations later, and we had decided to make a brief Target run for some posterboard, green paint, and a paint brush.

We ended up coming home with two neon green posterboards, a bottle of Crayola non-toxic kids' paint, a quality paintbrush, and some pretty candy-cane striped ribbon. Some creative cutting and sloppy brushstrokes produced the proto-tree and some tape, LED Christmas lights, striped ribbon, and a few ornaments gathered up to make a truly festive, sustainable holiday wall ornament.

After I'd finished the tree, I still had some green paint leftover. Following a suggestion that I found on the wonderful internets, I painted our still-fresh Halloween and Thanksgiving pumpkins. After a few more coats, I'll use a pretty silver sharpie to color on some stars and make our previously fall-themed decorations into a lovely holiday bauble. After the holidays, I'll cut the bottoms out of the pumpkins and roast the seeds to make a delicious, edible New Years treat -- I may even wash off the paint and feed the gourd to our pet. I'm sure they'd love the treat!

Aside from the tree, we're trying to lower the impact of our gift-giving. Without skimping on quality, we've been able to produce great gifts for our family and friends. Instead of gifting TheBoy's dad with another worthless golf thing, we all chipped in to buy him a personalized iPod -- something that he'll really use for a long time. For his mother, we found a local-artist-made cheese plate made out of a recycled wine bottle. I knitted up a gift bag in polyester yarn made from recycled plastic bottles. How awesome! For one friend, instead of a lame-o worthless gift, we found him an affordable flatware set to replace his flock of years-old plastic forks. For all our other friends, we're making cookies -- having fun and spending time together, instead of finding them landfill-bound gag gifts. Overall, we've spent this holiday season thinking hard about how useful and loving our gifts will be when bestowed upon our loved ones.

What things are you doing to make your holiday lower-impact?

The Second R

2008-12-16T14:17:00.002-05:00

The three big R's of conservation: Reduce, Reuse, Recycle. All three of them are important, and I'm going to start a three-part series on them, starting with number two (of course!).

Really, I think that reusing is the easiest method of conservation. Unlike reducing, which takes habit changes, and unlike recycling, which can be tough if you don't have curbside pickup -- all you need to reuse things is a little creativity.

Take, for instance, my reluctance to buy a rolling pint o make my gingerbread cookies. You can read the whole story here, but the short story is: rolling pin was too pricey, so I used a wine bottle.

Another instance was when I had TheBoy's lunch all ready to go, but his lunch carry-bag was dirty. Instead of letting the box go unwrapped (and possibly spill all over my backpack), I used a dinner napkin as a temporary furoshiki, or Japanese lunchbox wrap. TheBoy was also able to use the napkin for its intended purpose of cleaning up untidy lunch messes.

Another, more fun creative reuse was the first time I did laundry in our new apartment. We hadn't bought a drying rack yet, but I hate drying clothes and wasting all that energy just to shorten the wearable lifetime of my clothing. So, I piled our clothes all over the house, including on an endtable in the living room. What a sight to see!
Even much simpler reuses can be really effective. I have a lot of little items in my kitchen -- mostly stuff that I use to pack our lunches. So, instead of letting the drawer become a horrible jumble of junk, I used a flatware organizer to keep all my lunchbox accessories tidy and accessible. This picture doesn't truly do the drawer, or its contents, justice -- you can barely see the pink jelly bean-shaped Easter egg that my mother gave me: I use it to put nuts and small candies into our lunches without them getting everywhere. You can see the reusable silicone baking cups, though -- I constantly use them in our lunches to organize small portions of foods that shouldn't touch other foods. Today, in fact, I'm using one to separate some vegetable stir fry from grapes in TheBoy's lunch. Of course, simply using reusable lunchboxes counts as reuse, too.

TheBoy wore an old pair of pants into unwearable rags. Instead of throwing them out, I'm giving them new life as a draft dodger -- I'll patch the holes (with rag patches, likely) and sew the legs and waist shut. Addition of some batting and maybe some baggies full of sand or kitty litter will make that old pair of pants into a charming way to keep cold air from seeping under our door.

Another of the very simple things we reuse is ziploc bags. TheBoy's mother gave us a huuuuge package of baggies when we moved into the new place and, instead of potentially insulting her and turning them down, we accepted them and use them very carefully. We use one gallon size bag to keep our worm compost scraps in the freezer (so they don't rot and make the worms sick). Instead of throwing out the bag at the end of the week when we feed our worms, I wash the bag with soapy water and reuse it until it no longer seals, and only then will I reluctantly pitch it our. We reuse bags like that frequently, just not with raw meats. If a bag holds strawberries in the fridge, it's eligible for a second life as a cookie bag or bag of toiletries for travel.

What interesting ways have you found to reuse things in your own household?

Saving Paper

2008-12-15T21:37:00.002-05:00

This morning, the heavens opened over L.A.
And this morning, I awoke to the glorious sound of rain -- not from the outside, tapping on the window, but from inside, dripping into my windowsill. ::sigh::

Fortunately, the windowsill is wide and the rain was only leaking in through a relatively small hole, so there was no major problem, but we were still a little miffed ("what hasn't gone wrong in our apartment" was the phrase of the morning). There was one positive outcome of the rainy windowsill, though: I got the opportunity to save a great deal of paper towels by reusing a dirty bath towel. The windowsill, you see, is pretty dingy (the fires in L.A. left a huge dust deposit) and I was sorely tempted to take advantage of the water to clean up the sill and dry at the same time, with paper towels. Instead, I achieved the same goal with a brown bath towel that won't show the dirt. Though this seems like a small accomplishment, to me, it's a major leap.

I grew up cleaning up all messes with paper towels, no matter how extensive. Paper towels, of course, have their place: they're great for bug killing (I actually cut up paper towels to make tiny, bug-killing swatches) and they're fabulous for wiping up staining spills (more on that in a moment), but, by and large, they are a nuisance about which I feel guilty.
So, I am attempting to switch off my paper towel addiction. By enriching my already plentiful stock of dish towels, I hope to keep the kitchen paper-free. I hope to hit up some thrift stores for new-to-me items and, when they're stained beyond recognition, I plan to donate them to either the rag pile or an animal shelter where they'll use the towels as bedding for lonesome animals.

Part of my reluctance to use non-paper towels, especially in the kitchen, is my intolerance for stains. Slowly, though, I am learning to let go. A stained kitchen towel is not a sign of weakness or any other negative. Instead, it is a positive, healthy, natural progression in a paper-free kitchen. I can be proud of my stained towels for the positive impact they'll make on my environmental efforts. And, if I'm feeling a little less proud, maybe I can set aside a few towels for when company comes over.

Fortunately, most of our towels are hand-me-downs from my mother and are already colorful, so a little staining won't make a huge difference.

Food (Democracy) Fights

2008-12-11T14:59:00.004-05:00

When I can, I try to take advantage of the many golden food opportunities here in the Golden State (that is California's motto, right?). I try to make it every week to the year-round Hollywood Farmers' Market right , I try to buy organic, use my food dollars to vote for sustainable choices... In short, I'm trying to make my mark.
Some notable others, though, have been able to make a much greater impact than I can alone. Their work has culminated in a petition to foster Food Democracy in our new administration. You can sign the petition here -- it's basically a letter to the President-Elect stating that we need to develop sustainable food practices in the United States. It concludes with a shortlist of suggested Secretary of Agriculture candidates. (Thanks to GreenBean for the initial info about Food Democracy).

Other major impacts on the food movement have come in the form of one book that I adore, Michael Pollan's The Omnivore's Dilemma, and in the form of one book that I'm just starting, Babara Kingsolver's Animal, Vegetable, Miracle. Look for full book reviews of both books in the future. Pollan's fantastic (and very lengthy) New York Times article on the matter is both enlightening and upsetting. Take a look at it before you make your next grocery store trip.

P.S. One of my favorite ways to practice sustainable produce procurement is to check out Fallen Fruit's website, looking for local, public fruit. Fallen Fruit publishes a map of all the public fruit in an area. Public fruit is fruit that grows over public space -- like the pomegranates that hang over the sidewalk in front of my neighbor's lawn. Yum! They are so tart and fresh and way better than store-bought.

Pollution

2008-12-11T11:39:00.002-05:00

In my life, there are all kinds of special pollutants.
Of course, there's the obligatory smog (it's pretty awfu!), but there are other pollutants that I barely think about until I come stumbling across them.

We all know about the variety of pollutants out there: toxin waste in the water, nasty chems in the air, smelly garbage that leaves our tailpipes.... but what about all the waste that isn't so tangible?
At work, they're doing some construction on our ceiling and it's filling my office environment with some pretty unpleasant pollutants. The workers are wearing face masks and we're just all developing runny noses and (even more) irritated attitudes. Their construction dust is a major air pollutant for our micro-environment.

Another set of contractors at work is building a new, totally unnecessary railing on the staircase right by my desk. These men are hammering, hollering, and, worst of all, dentist-drilling all day. Their bothersome noise distracts us from work and keeps us feeling unpleasant all day. Another pollutant.

Work another, more insidious, pollutant: people. Working in the entertainment industry is a serious far cry from my wholesome previous jobs as a tutor or even an employee in a convenience store. The office politics scenario is totally foreign to me and I managed to make some serious faux pas before I learned to hold my tongue -- even when some jerkbag stuck a huge box of recyclables in the garbage, not the recylcing bin right next to the garbage can. These office politics, more than any of the other, temporary pollutants, is the most irksome.

Even when we clean up our act in terms of tangible pollutants and leave behind the transigent noise and dust pollution, we'll still have damaging human run-off distressing our environments.
How do you deal with human-attitude waste?

Walking to Work

2008-12-10T14:34:00.004-05:00

I live in Los Angeles. When I decided that I would forego a car, here, in the car capital of the Western world, I met a lot of skepticism. It was hard enough to go carless in my college town (dear old State College, PA) and even tougher to go car-free in my hometown, West Chester, PA. Getting around in a major city, one without a major/fantastic public transportation system, sounded almost impossible.

It's not.

Walking and biking in Los Angeles is not only possible but, sometimes, fun and entertaining. First up, the weather is always great. You're almost never going to be walking in the rain, and you'll nevernever be walking through snow. I've got a great tan (well, I'm a little less pale than usual for December) from my morning walks. Of course, when it does rain, watch out! The people around here drive like maniacs when the rain falls. If you can imagine how east-coasters drive in 3-4 feet of snow, then you can perfectly picture how L.A. drivers handle rain.

Seeing people on the street is always an interesting treat for me -- it isn't usually the fancy, Hummer-drivers walking around, it's the pepole with real issues and real interests. (Who am I to judge, of course, but I'll take a walker over a wanton polluter any day). Unfortunately, many of the people you see on the street are homeless people, wandering around, pushing their grocery carts full of cast-offs. Occasionally, I have the chance to help someone out, even if it's only in a small way, by picking up that bag they dropped, or just smiling out from the smog.

Before I started working so close to home, I worked pretty far away -- a 45 minute-by-car commute. Instead of caving and buying a car, I combined biking and a Metro ride to give myself some great exercise and some time to quiet down on the bus. I biked to the bus stop, slung my bike onto the front of the bus, and then biked from the bus stop near my destination to my employer. I biked for less than a mile and the bus ride + biking only took about 1 hour. Instead of slapping myself into an expensive machine, wasting precious resources (oil and freetime), I got some healthy sunshine and fresh air and some time to work on my knitting and reading.

I am really pleased that I'm in a situation to walk or bike to work, but what about other people who don't live 1 mile from their employers? They shouldn't despair! Even L.A.'s famously awful Metro system isn't all that bad. They have a really handy website with a trip-planner and information about how to purchase fare pass cards. Considering traffic, the buses are sometimes faster than driving because people give them a wide berth, preventing them from getting stuck behind any grandmas or smart pedestrians (the occasional extra-dumb person will dart in front of a bus, but most have a little more sense than that). The rail lines, though I haven't actually used them, are supposed to be pretty awesome, too. If nothing else, they're super clean because not that many people really use them. In fact, the station at Hollywood and Argyle, right outside the Pantages theatre, is really cool looking. I want to ride the rails just to see that station again.
I like to take advantage of my Metro time to knit, read, or just think and observe.

New Gears

2008-12-09T20:21:00.008-05:00

Once again, I'm changing the tune of this blog. From here on out, look for happy updates about the environment and my attempts to decrease my (our) impact on it.

Recent Green Changes:

Make homemade, whole wheat bread (just bought organic flour to make this ++ effective)
Stop wasting food: compost absolutely everything possible (even when I don't feel like it)
Buy as much produce as possible at Hollywood Farmers' Market, organic when able
Use only free-range, organic eggs
Stop using antibacterial soap. Regular soap works just as well
Make less garbage
Turn lights off when leaving the room, every time
Clean with sustainable cleaners (vinegar, Clorox GreenWorks, non-phosphate dishsoap)
Attend more local entertainment activities (as opposed to car-based travel)
Walk/Bike to work
Walk to local activities as much as possible (church and restaurants, for instance)
Take shorter showers (together? too scandalous!)
Combine cooking (cook lasagna right after bread while the oven is still hot)
Use a sweater instead of the heater
Repurpose ratty old t-shirts into cleaning rags
Use natural light as much as possible instead of lamps
Wash clothes in warm, not hot water (except for that one time I had to kill the kitten flees)
Hang clothes to dry on rack or hangers

Green Goals:

Eat less meat (3x per week, max)
Consume less dairy
Switch toiletries to organics (toothpaste to baking soda, shampoo to castille soap)
Connect with loved ones instead of gift-giving (or homemade gifts, too!)
Eschew unnecessary packaging
Use bulk bins as much as possible
Buy organic as much as possible
Unplug appliances/electronics when not in use
As they burn out, replace old lightbulbs with CFLs
Use LED Christmas lights (yeah, we have holiday spirit!)
DON'T buy a plastic Christmas tree (PVC + shipping from China + other toxins = NO)
Wash clothes in cold water

Whew! Now that the lists are out, the real blogging can begin.

Dr. Horrible and Earthquakes

2008-07-30T14:15:00.003-05:00

Dear California, wtf? Don't you think you're a bit warm to be shivering in late July? Yesterday, I finally realized that I'm moving to one of the most seismically active regions in the world -- Southern California. I got a tweet yesterday from TheBoy saying "Felt the Quake. Ok at Paramount." (Paramount being his place of employment.. my metropolitan baby). Yikes! That little message really brought home the message: California just isn't as safe as Pennsylvania, at least in terms of still earth. Though it measured a 5.4 on the Richter scale, this quake didn't really do any damage, except maybe a few broken vases in Pasadena. Well, that's a relief, but, as this article seems adamant upon proving, the "Big One" is still out there.. lurking(?) in the shadows, just waiting to get it's rocky hands on our sprawling city. Now, I don't know about you, but I think it's pretty presumptuous of these scientists to just go about spreading fear among already tense Californians, telling them that they're going to get a bigger shock soon. As far as I understand, there are zero earthquake detection abilities and zero reason for scientists to try to frighten everyone, especially considering how well Los Angeles reacted to this quake, and how much they improved infrastructure since the last "Big One" in '94.

Despite the quake and its faulty news coverage, some good news has come out of SoCal lately: Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along-Blog. Let me set the scene for you: Neil Patrick Harris (famous for Doogie Howser, among other roles) plays Dr. Horrible, the sentimental but evil supervillain just trying to make his way into the Evil League of Evil and get the girl of his dreams. His archnemesis, Captain Hammer (Nathan Fillion, of Firefly fame), has other plans, though, and woos the girl (Felicia Day, star of The Guild web series) while foiling evil plans. The best part of this combination (aside from Malcolm Reynolds, reborn)? It's a MUSICAL. By JOSS WHEDON (and his extended family). !!

This brilliant, three-episode web series is the baby of the writers' strike and the internet: a perfect match as any. Their web distribution scheme was great; releasing a new episode every other day and leaving them up for only a few more days before making them exclusively available on iTunes (unfortunately with DRM, but what can you do about that for now?). Now, of course, Hulu, the interweb's favorite source for streaming video, has hooked us up and, Dr. Horrible's creators, in a really awesome move, posted the streaming video back up on their site. Way to go, internet! Way to go Whedon! Seriously, could I be more of a ridiculous fangirl right now? Probably not. Go watch it!

Old News and Obama

2008-07-24T09:51:00.005-05:00

Old news first: a few months ago, I attended a really interesting symposium. Hosted at the Penn Stater Conference Center, the symposium was about teaching and learning with technology. There, I really picked up my interest in Twitter and got a chance to hear TheManHimself, Lawrence Lessig, speak about Free Culture and how copyright is hurting academia. Aside from all the glitz and glamor of attending a whole conference based on hurling insults at current copyright regulation (among other things, of course), I made my way into a podcast. A symposium staff member was going around with an iPod with a mic attachment, asking people for their input on the symposium. Incidentally, I was the only undergrad in attendance, so, of course, he had to seek me out.

Well, I did a google search today for my name (if you haven't tried it lately, I urge you to do so, if only because it's fascinating). The first result was something totally new to me, an "on the street" interview. But, what that revealed was the podcast from the symposium with my somewhat-less-than-eloquent remarks and geeking over Lessig. So, check out the recording here, if you're so inclined (just follow the link to "Klunk on new media as literature").

Now, for the second half of the title. Obama.

I've never made my affection for Obama a secret. I think he's the best candidate for the job (because, while I agree with some Libertarian principles, I also appreciate free public education and think that the "social welfare" model trumps the "Ayn Rand for president" model). So, yeah, I reregistered in PA so that I could vote for him in the primary and, yeah, I support his campaign (and found many interesting views on him while in Ireland). What I really love about him, aside from his ideals and his considerable skill at evading questions, is his ability to really embody exactly what I think of as a president. Case in point, his recent trip to the Middle East. No one will argue that Obama is charismatic, but subtly evoking Kennedy, as this NY Times article suggests, trumps even my highest expectations. Obama is wonderfully restrained without seeming apathetic. He is more or less religion-neutral, but has the high moral standards that I value over religious piety.

And, to be superficial about it, he looks awesome in front of a sand-colored background (though maybe that's a function of the fact that he, himself, is not sand-colored).

Community of Benevolence

2008-07-23T21:39:00.002-05:00

This morning I took my future mother-in-law* out to brunch. We had a lovely time talking about my recent trip to Ireland and about her plans for the rest of the week, among other things. In between our pleasant non-conversation, she asked what I expected to pursue as a career in California.** I explained to her that I want to work for adult literacy through the means of a non-profit. Needless to say, she had never even considered that as a career choice and really didn't understand why I would bother to go into such a non-lucrative and unglamorous position.*** I pontificated on the subject: on my passion for solving problems of illiteracy out of a sense of fairness, but also out of simple economic need. Educated people make better decisions; they can protect the environment by knowing how to recycle, they can get better jobs by having desirable skills, they can improve their own lives and enrich the community.

Well, as I was pontificating, the lady at the booth behind us was listening in because, as she was leaving, she excused herself into our conversation to comment on my ambition. She actually thanked me for my career choice. Her husband, she said, is a doctor who recently started his own little philanthropic notion to visit homebound patients. this woman was so excited that "young people actually care" to help others -- she was headed straight home to tell her husband that he can consider himself in good company.

One of the things that I love about tutoring, that I didn't even think of when I started the work, is the community that forms from the action of teaching another person in a language they understand. There is something so rewarding about finally communicating an idea to someone who couldn't grasp it before. I will never forget (or forgo) the wonderful group of friends that I made while tutoring at Penn State. Now I know there is yet another community -- that formed between people who, while engaging in different occupations, have the goal of helping others.

*did I mention that I am engaged, as of May 11th?

**did I mention that I'm moving to Los Angeles in slightly less than one month?

***she's not as shallow as I make her out to be. she's a wonderful woman with practical concerns... like rent and groceries.

playing ketchup.

2008-02-29T15:13:00.002-05:00

dear neglected audience,

i am a terrible blogger. please forgive me.
i also have a boring life.
sorry!
this blog is going on permanent hiatus, as of now -- though i might revive it in the future (or during my trip to Ireland in the summer).

loves!
--amanda.

am i listening to christmas carols?

2007-11-02T00:40:00.000-05:00

YES.

seasonal anachronism aside, i've been having ultra-crazy-stupidly busy times lately. allow me to provide a briefing.

NYCTF position: secured. and possibly more work and i'd really like it to be. though i do have an ambassador colleague, so i'm not all on my own.
italian class: freakin' tough! but, i did get a B on the last test (not what i'd like, but perfectionism can wait for when i'm rearing my children, right...?) the oral test that's coming up, though.. that should be a "treat."
>american novel class: midterm = PWNT. i got a 100% on the midterm and a very complimentary comment on my essay.
Amanda,

You have good control over your prose, so I’d like to see you take more risks with your arguments. Dig a little deeper…on your longer paper I’d like to see you tackle a topic that requires arguments and not just observations. Really interrogate the texts, analyze the passages you choose to quote, and make an original contribution to scholarship. I am hoping you’ll write your longer paper with an eye toward the spring conference I mentioned.

in-class exam: 10

take-home essay: 10

midterm: 20/20

(any formatting/font/color issues: blame the prof. also, share in my glory - that test was tough).

20th century poetry: currently putting off the last entry for my annotated bibliography (read: HATE exemplified). funny story - one of the article authors changed her name after publishing the article. i emailed her, after tracking down the new name, to make certain that it was actually her article.. otherwise, i just totally lied in my annotations.
neuroses: relatively under control. i'd really like to see someone about my anxiety, which has been.. leveling out, but at a high level. but, i just don't have the time or resources. ::sigh::
weekend plans: busy. TAPS all afternoon tomorrow and then to kiamesha's party. then back to load-in on saturday and some library time for listening to a freakin' cassette tape of one of my tutoring sessions. then, more load-in. maybe i can still finish pledging for thespians by the end of this semester? maybe.. ::crosses fingers::
weather: it's hatefully cold up here. WHY!? i'm freezing. and i loathe it. i need to invest in these. want want want. i actually already have one pair (courtesy of gramma). they are heaven and i want more. i am a glutton for divinity.

in other news: good night! happy, belated, halloween (and all saints' day) (and 41 months for me and mr. matt). ^_^

busybusybusy!

2007-10-19T00:15:00.000-05:00

today has been the busiest day of my whole life. oh - em - gee!
let's preface, first. matt decided, in all his awesome sweetness, to visit me tuesday into wednesday. he arrived around 1:30am wednesday morning and was gone in just over 12 hours. in the meantime, we made kissies and a big breakfast and made our ipods makeout. it was pretty good.
unfortunately, it meant that i bagged my lab yesterday (well, wednesday) morning and didn't get any homework done for the other two wednesday classes. amy's class - no big deal. english 458 is a challenging class, but our assignment deadlines are flexible and we were doing the same poet (actually, poem) for the second day. no new readings. my film class was another story. i forgot to do the project proposal - the 100 point assignment leading up to our gigando 500 point end-of-semester project. i've decided to do a film about queers on campus. it should be pretty sweet, but i only decided that.. late last night? i talked to the instructor and she gave me a deadline extension for the proposal. i spent all day today thinking about it (while ignoring class) and much of the previous night thinking of awesome shots to use. i'm pretty psyched. ^_^ you can check out the proposal on my dork-blog here.
today, i was incredibly productive. not only did i make up that lab and finish the proposal, but i also had a second phone interview for the NYCTF college ambassador position (refer to the same dork-blog for my application to that) and this site for more info about the program. it's a pretty awesome program and i hope that i can be their ambassador.. and not just for the dollars. mm, dollars. in any case, the basic premise of the program is that new york needs more public school teachers, so they've set up a teach-for-america style alternative-certification program that takes non-education majors and makes them worthwhile. with stipends. my job, should i get it, would be to hype it up at penn state and meet some recruitment goals. sounds pretty awesome and i look forward to promoting a program that i can really get behind.
aside from lab and the interview, i managed to attend an LAUC meeting for the first time, attended a Ralph Ellison symposium (which was fairly good, but a bit dull because it focused on biographical content more than literary work), and finally made my spring semester actual. i emailed sanford schwartz about adding his already-full hitchcock course and he said i could do it and i'm ridiculously, run-on excited. extra good news: the thursday class will be shared with graduate students.. the discussion should run extra awesome. huzzah!
i did some other exhausting stuff today, too. but, i don't feel like talking about it. i also, literally, collapsed upon arriving back in my room. i sprawled across the bed (i didn't say that i have lousy aim in collapsing) and drooled on the covers for half an hour before i could even move again. it was a very long day.

tomorrow should be a little easier. even though i have an italian vocab quiz for which i am *not* prepared, i should be able to just take things a little slower. and then go to the drag show. yayayayayay! anita and i are going to go in drag. break out the chest wraps, we're dressing up! also, tomorrow starts the national conference on peer tutoring in the writing center (or something to that effect). i'm moderating two panels on saturday after doing a practice GRE. wish me luck!

hope everyone's having a great semester thus far -- luck with midterms!

bentoooo!

2007-10-01T00:35:00.000-05:00

i forgot to mention: i've been heartily enjoying cooking lately.
having my own kitchen has really brought out my desire to have a good time in it. now i make wonderful dinners (that i usually don't eat for some weird reason) and adorable lunches. the lunches, of course, are strongly aided in cuteness-factor by my two new bento boxes and by some ideas that i've picked up from cooking cute (a very helpful bento site) and other sites.
there's nothing not wonderful about cookie-cuttered sandwiches and precious little portions of rice, edamame and carrots. i even bought some delicious organic baby carrots and baby peppers at the farmers' market. yay: healthy for me and the environment! it's really fun to make my lunch, which would normally be a pretty bland affair of leftovers in an awkwardly large insulated lunchbox, into something cute and pleasant. i now take even the simplest things, like a peanut butter and marmalade sandwich, and make it cute by using mini cookie cutters (anita had some spring themed ones and i got some autumn themed ones at wal-mart for only $1.76 for a pack of six). the resulting sandwich maintains all the good parts and only leaves off the crusts, if i'm careful. any leftover pieces i just eat while i'm preparing the meal, so i don't waste anything.
the bento box also encourages me to eat healthier. it's so easy and cute to pack some fresh rice and edamame into the container that vacuum seals itself (the heat sucks the lid down), i do that more often than pack unhealthy, exhausting leftovers. or spending money buying lunch at the HUB or someplace downtown.
access to the farmers' market has also encouraged me to eat in an overall healthy way: i buy produce that's locally grown using, at least relatively, sustainable methods ... i basically just go and pick out what looks most appealing. i got a zucchini roughly the size of my calf -- we're making zucchini cake (a variation on carrot cake) with it, if we ever get around to it. otherwise, we'll probably just freeze some and make stir-fry and other things with it.
so, yeah, i'm settling in nicely to the whole "i have a place called home" thing. it's temporary, but it'll do for now. and then i'll have a real home.. based, hopefully, on love. and hopefully in l.a.

quick update

2007-09-30T22:43:00.000-05:00

so, i've been out of the blogging habit for a while now. my sincerest.

not really in the mood for updating, but i feel bound to do so, so let me give a (very) brief summary of my weekend with matt.

he arrived late thursday and we snuggled and fell asleep after watching half of "children of men" which is interesting, but i'm willing to bet the book is better. it's got great cinematography (matt says it's very polish), but that's about all that it's got going for it. combining lousy dialogue with flat characters and mediocre acting doesn't create good cinema. *frown* we eventually finished the movie. good ending. pleasantly ambiguous.

friday came pleasantly enough. i only had two classes while matt hung out in panera playing with his compy and/or reading "free culture." i don't know how keen i am to read that -- seeing as i am certain it will only upset me. we left campus.
we returned to campus to feast at the corner room (yum!) and then to proceed to "synergy" the talent show sponsored by the thespians. the acts were all very good and it put us into a great mood to go see cirque du soleil on saturday. (!!!).
we retired, after the show, to the diner for some delicious stickies. (round one of ice cream for the weekend).

saturday we bagged the game (sorry, al!) and slept in and hung out with anita and returned my rainboots (too big!) to target. soon after, we headed off to see the most amazing human spectacle i've ever seen: cirque du soleil's saltimbanco. it was ... well, spectacular. the stunts were amazing, but the beauty was really what took me - they were meticulous in their work: even the shadows were breath-taking. there was a perfect mixture of fun/foolish clowning (all in good taste and pleasant, but not over the top), brilliant acrobatics, and sensuous/rhythmic pairs of acrobats. this is the kind of circus i can get behind - where i know there aren't unhappy elephants and lead-poisoned clowns behind my pleasure (clown make-up used to be made with a lead base).

after the show, we had a lovely time picking up anita and trekking around downtown state college to find a reasonably priced dinner that would not take forever to wait for -- with hour waits at green bowl (which is not reasonably priced except on weekdays for lunch) and rotelli (which also has better deals for weekday lunches). we ended up "settling" for pitas at the pita pit. they were amazing! go, eat their food. pay them your monies. the pitas are gigantic (screw you, tiny pitas from the supermarket) and stuffed full of delicious things. fresh meat and/or veggies and tons of toppings to choose from make this a pretty healthy, but also hearty meal. with a reasonable price, too. about $5-6/person for being totally full at the end. good deal. then we took matt for his first experience of the creamery. we were very impressed with the sandusky blitz (banana ice cream and other goodies) and the pumpkin pie flavor. the palmer mousseum was also delisch, but i preferred the pie. later we had even more food, courtesy of anita: vegetable fried rice (delicious, easy and cheap!) and miso soup (equally easy and relatively cheap, but not so yummy -- our tofu was gross. nasoya = lose).
this morning, we got up pleasantly late and went over to the waffle shop on atherton for some absolutely fabulous breakfast. i had iowa corn pancakes.. i will never be able to look at a plain 'ol wheat pancake the same again. i am a changed person. the meals were delicious and as reasonable as the pita pit. go there. eat their food. but, bring cash 'cause they don't take credit or debit and their atm (suckers!) has a $2 fee/transaction. suck.

after gorging ourselves on breakfast food and kisses, matt finally left to go home around 1pm. i miss him already. 'cause i'm a wimp.
i have spent the rest of the day doing homework and doing meetings and boring stuff. this has been a simply wonderful meeting and i am so happy and full of lovey-doviness for matt because he made it all possible - he bought the tickets and paid for the delicious meals and just general helped me recover from remaining malaise of sickness and sympathized with my pulled foot muscle. he even put up with me talking about moving in with him next summer after i graduate. what a sweet, patient, tolerant baby! ::loveysnugglysappybullshit::

so, yeah. great weekend. and now it's october. yay! yay autumn and yay classes still not sucking too badly!

brief update

2007-06-25T19:35:00.000-05:00

i've been very lazy about updating lately -- please accept my apologies.

plans have changed a lot since the last posting, some for fun, some for suck.
allow me to explain: instead of visiting doug and jaclyn, matt went to see his dad (a much needed and helpful to the healing process visit) in california while i stayed home and cleaned the bejeesus out of my room. it's still in progress, but coming along nicely. one of the major accomplishments for my room is convincing gramma that she won't miss them if i sell her enormous masses of barbies (that live in my room, of course). i posted them on craigslist and hope to get a reasonably good price for all of them. (buy them. pleeeasse!)

speaking of gramma: she's back in the hospital. she's.. not doing that great, i think. her body is starting to shut down from the relative inefficiency of dialysis (vs. actual kidney function). the remainder of her organs are starting to deteriorate. ::sigh:: i never want her to go, you know.. but i hate for her to be in pain. i feel about gramma similar to the way i felt about dad: that maybe it's better for her just to go quietly before the pain progresses anymore. obviously gramma's situation is slightly different, but.. the similarities are striking. i really don't want to have to deal with another death before this year is over. it's completely selfish of me, i know, but it's been such a hard year with gramma stephanie (dad's mother) dying in january and then dad going and so much stress about matt's dad being sick.

on a brighter note, matt and i spent a wonderful weekend in atlantic city. we gambled a bit (spent $5 and won $10) as well as hit the beach (sea isle city). i'm sure a picture post will come soon. ^_^ we had a great time hanging out with aunt tressa and her fiance, p.j., as well as my cool cousins gianna and connor. these cousins are the younger siblings of my cousin micheal who just recently left for coast guard basic training (see previous post for slightly more details). one of the big highlights of this trip, though, was p.j.'s mother who lives with aunt tressa. this lovely woman, judy, is a shopaholic. thing is, she never uses her purchases so, instead of just letting them sit there helping noone, judy gives away her purchases as loving gifts. i, of course, made out like a bandit when i showed an interest in knitting and handbags. i came away not only with some lovely hand lotions, but also with a very nice vera bradley bag filled to the brim with about a million of all the knitting needles i'll need for the rest of my life. DPN's from size 0 - 10 along with adjustable size circular needles as well as a whole set of straight needles should keep me well stocked for a very very long time. i am so impressed with her generosity and the value of the things she gave me. gifts she's made to someone she has known for only a few days ... easy equal around $200.

so, an overall success, the trip to atlantic city was marked by a little tension, but a lot of fun (and great tans). we definitely hope to do it again in the near future. this weekend, though, holds all the fun and excitement of going to my grampa's wedding (what wedding gift do you give to two old people? all suggestions are incredibly welcome) and just generalized hanging out. also perhaps some very vanilla tiramisu kahlua cupcakes..? we'll see.
i miss everyone very much. ::hugs everyone:: please call! or write! facebook?

"ready, steady, go"

2007-06-11T08:48:00.000-05:00

in the roughly two weeks since i last updated, a lot has been going on.
not only have matt and i passed the official three year mark, but we also celebrated my 20th birthday. yay!
we spent our anniversary with a quiet evening at home dining upon roughly the same meal we've shared for the past two anniversaries: homemade pasta sauce served over spaghetti and accompanied by a delicious salad and yummy bread. we had some awesome coffee over ice cream (a la "white") and exchanged gifts. he, very sweetly, gave me a beautiful pair of earrings (dangly and shiny and picture forthcoming if i'm properly reminded) and a copy of song of songs, everyone's favorite epic, biblical love poem. he's so sweet. i gave him a copy of "the fountain" which we later watched and loved as much as the first (and second) time(s).
the day after, we went over to the pauls' house for some wonderful partying complete with great food and even better times with friends (even making some new ones in the process). it was great to be able to see doug and jaclyn again and i can't wait until we go down to visit them this weekend. *squeal*
oh, man.. i had a great birthday. matt was very sweet and gave me a copy of "zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance" which i very much look forward to reading. anita, of course, came through with an amazing gift: a chicken! just what a wanted!! it's not the living, breathing, torture-worthy creature i was hoping for, but i think ceramic will do just fine. it will also be a great addition to our apartment kitchen.. maybe holding teabags? she also gave me a really pretty pillow with a matching throw -- excellent additions to the couch, i suppose. the presents were rounded off with a hand-me-down (pretty pink 4gb) ipod courtesy of my mother and fabulous headphones thanks to curtis. yay for sweatproof!
we had a great dinner at cheeburger cheeburger and spent the rest of the evening catching up on "house" and conversation. i'm glad my friends are so laid-back. it's nice to be able to just chill at someone's house and pet kitties while watching the tube.

right now, though, i'm at work. i'm only here for another 2 hours or so and i've only dealt with ..maybe 10 customers? it's pretty slow here, but that means that i get to make friends with blogger, digg, and many webcomics that i lurve.

in upcoming events:
-- dinner tonight with aunt penni?
-- visit doug and jaclyn this weekend(!)
-- grampa's wedding june 30th (!!)
-- and some other stuff in between.

this summer, though it's had its very rough moments (like matt's dad's hospital stay about which we're still praying), is getting off to a pretty good start. hope everyone else is enjoying.

i am not 5'3"

2007-05-29T12:55:00.000-05:00

i finally got a real id card. not a driver's license, mind you, just an id, but now i can actually positively identify myself without looking like a creeper or a schmuck. ^_^ the card, lying little thing that it is, says that i am five three.. now, we all know that i am not that tall. or that matt is that short: it says he is five three, as well. *grin* i guess they just don't care that much. ::shrug::
also, i got back my grades from last semester (well, a little while ago, now). a's in all my english courses (yessss!) and a b in italian. i'm pretty disappointed about that b, but i know i'll be able to bring it up in the fall. it was a really hard semester and i'm still pretty displeased with the professor. in any case, though, i am pretty excited about upcoming semester. tons of fun/difficult english courses (three: one is peer editing, one is 20th c. american poetry, and the other is american modernist writing). these will all be pretty tough courses, i think, but i'm really looking forward to them. you can look at my schedule here.

once again, i'm making this update while at work. it's pretty dull since i haven't done enough training to actually handle money. seeing as this is a bank and money is all you can really do here.. well, there's nothing except dull regulations and uninteresting documentation for me to work with. blugh.

so, because i need to get more dull reading done, i'll leave off here. hope everyone had a great memorial day weekend!

p.s. our three year anniversary is this friday. congratulate us!
p.p.s. my birthday is next monday. bring me presents!

"we're building you a better bank!"

2007-05-25T11:09:00.000-05:00

so, here i am.. sitting at work. a real office type job, the likes of which i won't see again for some time, i'm sure. instead of boring toil at wawa (or lion line, for that matter), sore feet and coffee smells included, i sit comfortably in front of an internet-accessing computer with only minimal restrictions placed on my web surfing (provided it doesn't interfere with my work). right now, i can't really do anything. i haven't even started training because i haven't finished up all my compliance testing (i'm putting the remainder of those off as i type this very entry), but the work seems as though it will be easy and pleasant with few customers and even fewer coffee smells. *gringrin*
i was officially offered the job over the phone by one of the human resources ladies.. while standing in boston. in the coop at harvard square. it was a good day. *grin* and from there i finished up touring boston with matt and had a lovely time spending the remainder of that weekend with him and partly with his family. it was nice to have the agency to visit him with really minimal parental involvement -- i felt like a real person.
while i'm not going to bother to post a full analysis (as if you'd want to read that) on my boston excursion, i will encourage you to check out my c(r)avedrawing based on the flight and also encourage you to bug me for any details in which you're interested.
for now, i'm happily employed (this branch closes on july 14th.. got any jobs for me for after that?) and happily enjoying matt's temporary unemployment (he gets to spend the time during my workday doing the things that he wants to do.. meaning that i get to spend non-WoW time with him after i get off). we've been throwing together graduation gifts and birthday gifts and certain house-warming gifts (!!) and immensely enjoying Lost (which christine and zach are demanding we watch) and just, in general, settling in for what appears to be shaping up into a very pleasant summer.

my normal approach..

2007-05-08T09:18:00.000-05:00

after staying up last night (this morning) until around 4am (only 3.15 or so on purpose.. curse you, computer induced insomnia!), i'm pretty tired, but looking forward to a rousing day of working ridiculously hard on two papers and turning in at least one of them.
ideally, i would like to be able to hand in my english 456 paper to kelly at the final today at 2.30.
also ideally, i would like to be able to finish my english 497C paper by tonight so that i don't have to rush to finish it tomorrow morning before the deadline of 12pm. wish me luck!

my room smells wonderfully of tulips, but i can't wait to get home. seeing friends and relaxing without having to go to bloody classes.. ah! and i'll get to see gramma and all that family that i love so much. yay! family = heart!

and just as a general update: gramma has been in a nursing home for a few days now. it's actually working out well. she's being taken care of as if she were a person, not a dishrag, and she doesn't hate it. mom visits her frequently and a physical therapist is helping to get her legs into better shape.
also: my cousin brian ships out for marine corps training may 14th (holy crap that's soon!). good luck and God bless to him!
also also: my cousin michael ships out for coast guard training on may 29th (also soon!). similar well wishings to him.
and now: back to my own version of a paperchase. hopefully i don't get blisters!

"lift you up over everything..."

2007-05-07T14:08:00.000-05:00

"...to light up my room."

i just got off the phone with my aunt gina. she and my dad were pretty close -- he lived at the house that she shares with my uncle and her three boys. she told me about a dream she had: my dad, wreathed in flaming sparkles and smiling (she likened it to a cartoon character "powering up" ...like popeye with spinach. but with sparkles). accompanying this vision, she had an "indescribable" feeling. the sum of the vision/dream: dad's doing ok. and we all should too.

now, i'm a little skeptical about visions and whatnot and i'm one of those pessimistic people that usually thinks "oh, you had a vision ...got it." but.. i honestly believe that my dad reached out to my aunt to relieve her cares, to let her know that we don't have to be sad anymore.

on a similarly bright note: matt's parents sent me a beautiful vase of flowers. they're beautiful and i'm so appreciative. his parents are so supportive.

on an academic note: i did my english 221 final (maybe a B.. it was tougher than expected). i did the last italian exam for the semester (probably about a B for that one.. probably about a B for the whole class). i still have an english 456 exam tomorrow (should be.. hard, but manageable) and a paper due for english 497C and one for english 456 (they're both ten pages or so and should be easy enough). so, i should be ok.. stressed but, ok.

enough of this.. i'm going to qdoba!! yum, burrito!

"if i could..."

2007-05-06T04:09:00.000-05:00

"...sleep forever"

today is the (aftermath of) cinco de mayo and it is obscenely early in the morning - i have not yet been to bed.
and, while i am quite inebriated, i am sober enough to say ...

i still miss you daddy.

it's only been a week, but i feel like you're a million years away.
nonetheless, i still miss you and love you every day. and i know you're doing the same.

"i'm haunted"

2007-05-01T22:08:00.000-05:00

to those of you who don't know yet (because you've been living in a facebook deprived rock, i see).. my father died early saturday morning, between 6 and 7 am. he died at peace and at home and that's all he really wanted.
his funeral was earlier today (tuesday) and it was beautiful, though as painful as anything. it was wonderful to see my family and to again see aunt julie's precious new baby (born only a day after dad died), but awful to see them under such sad consequences.
i don't feel like going into detail right now. just know the baby is beautiful and fat -- 9lbs 15oz at birth and named ryan stephen (stephen was my father's middle name and also akin to my gramma stephanie's first name. she died in january).

so, sad stuff aside -- i love my family and i'm so glad and grateful that i got to know my dad before he passed. it hurts so much worse than it would have had i never known him, but.. i helped him to know he was loved.

so much hate..

2007-04-19T08:28:00.000-05:00

on monday i joined a facebook group lending penn state's support and prayers to virginia tech. the summary of the group includes the number of victims -- originally at 33, but a member asked that that number be reduced to 32: thus discounting the killer.
i argued this. in a post that, i believe, has now been deleted, i argued that the killer is a victim too. isn't he?
this morning, i checked my personal messages to find an attack had been levied at me. and here it is.

boy i don't know: The killer does not deserve to be remembered. He was not a human being or a person worthy of anyone's respect. Please take that Bible toting bullshit elsewhere.

my response: excuse me, but i didn't attack any of your beliefs in saying that a person is a person. my "Bible toting bullshit" has nothing to do with my feelings about a killer being a person. commission of a crime does not strip a person of his humanity. what about that kid's poor parents? he's got 'em too. and i bet they're hurting just as much as anyone else's.
everyone deserves to be remembered -- even people who hurt others, even those who can't find it in their hearts to forgive.
in this time of tragedy and mourning, we should pull together - not fight about who's feeling the worser hurt. i understand your views, but i don't agree with them.
please don't message me again if you can't be respectful of my opinions.

it is so upsetting to find that so many people can't seem to understand that humanity is immutable -- nothing human is foreign, right? or is it that nothing foreign is human? we argued that in high school and it's still an enduring debate. i, for one, am not about to shun a member of the species for one act of pain and horror.

general update

2007-04-17T23:55:00.000-05:00

because i've been overly philosophical/meandering lately, i haven't been a very good general update-er.
so, here goes.

though i've already covered this somewhat, going home for easter was great. i left state college thursday afternoon and spent a pleasant few hours on the greyhound alternating between speaking with an enlightened pro-lifer (yes, they exist!) and sleeping/reading/knitting. i finally arrived in king of prussia around 5pm and waded across several lanes of very scary kop traffic before stopping at the chili's and waiting, impatiently, for mike paul. *squeal* mike paul!
we had a wonderful time hanging out before gathering matthew from the airport. and i had a quite pleasant experience in the ladies' room in the airport marriot (mostly, it was clean and well-stocked with soft toilet and facial tissues). matt's flight came in on time and we all headed home to be dropped off by wonderful mike paul and spend some quality snuggle/movie watching time in matt's basement. it was good to see my baby. and, yeah, he thought the socks were sweet.

fast forward a few days and i'm again departing state college on a thursday, though this time early evening and accompanied by a friend of anita's and nick: andrew. he was headed toward tekkoshocon in pittsburgh and made for pleasant conversation along the road to 'toon town. we, unfortunately, had to strike up a talk with a rather bigoted (and possibly nutty) older gentleman who insisted on telling us about his UFO experiences and ..other things that i'd rather forget.
upon reaching altoona, i ended up riding the local inefficient bus system for about three hours (not exaggerating) until i could finally get to the campus where i had some nice coffee along with a mediocre sandwich. i also caved and bought a cookie. and realized that i "lost" my keys (turns out i actually just forgot them in my room in state college.. thank goodness!).
kira came and collected me and we went to her house, made a beer run, stayed up late.. in general, had a good time.
the conference went very well, but since i've already bored you with tedious details.. it was good. i presented (arguably better than any of my peers), was recommended for submissions to gertrude, a queer literary magazine, and praised for my criticism. my friend/acquaintance/peer cameron (of "medea" fame.. he was jason) said that he expects to read my criticism sometime in the future in some vastly published journal. he requested, in fact, that i take it easy on his works (he's going for an m.f.a. in poetry). it impressed me that someone, a peer, could recognize my worth like that and project such impressive things for me. needless to say, i was in a perfectly fantastic mood after that.

saturday, i went home and dealt briefly with a very unpleasant hispanic girl from philly. she insisted on tapping her foot in the air. the foot, raucously clad in 4-inch heeled, patent leather (read: shitty and cheap), squeaked everytime she tapped. i caught her eye and let her know that it was squeaking and she says "so, what about it?" in the meanest tone she could conjure. "could you please stop?" and her response? "well, it's a habit, so ..no" in similarly bitchy fashion. it was really uncalled for. i was very polite, i think and she just.. grrr. made it seem like i was asking for something completely ridiculous. i don't understand why people can't just be polite. i was trying to read for goodness sake! and she was squeaking!

in any case.. i'm back from that conference and i've been trying to catch up. italian studying (i have an oral exam thursday) is going well and reading is going equally well: finished the vulgar streak and working on mr. sammler's planet along with the puttermusser papers which i much enjoy. cynthia ozick = HEART. "paradise lost" is, unfortunately, not faring so well and i find myself uncomfortably relying on sparknotes.
today, i had an interview for the peer tutoring class. it went very well and i'll be scheduled for the class very soon. yay!
shortly after that, i studied for the italian oral exam with a classmate. we spent a great deal of our time together with me teaching her, through various methods, how to pronounce italian. it was fun for me to teach and i definitely helped her. it was also good to get a little practice with the language. while christine didn't help me, really, with my italian.. it was exceedingly flattering for her to praise my teaching ability and for me to be able to see her progress in her pronunciation. i'm proud of myself.

later today, i went to see janet lyon, english honors advisor who finally got back to me about applying to the honors college. she recommends i go ahead, though it'll be tough. after a brief conference with her, though, we both realized that it won't really be that much work: just 14 credits, 3 of which will be my thesis. so, 11 credits (roughly 4 classes) can easily fall into the two regular semesters i'm going through. if accepted (and i think i will be ::crosses fingers::), i'll schedule one honors course for next semester and hopefully honors option my peer tutoring class into counting for honors credit. otherwise, i'll hopefully work out other options. the thesis i can complete over the summer. yay! i even have a basic idea for it. something that i think will be both enlightening and wonderfully fun to work on.

this morning i was accosted by a squirrel. but, for the readers who may be faint of heart, i'll leave out the details only to say that i defended, verily, my bagel and did not catch rabies.

so, not that i've spent far too long typing this and wasted way too much of your time.. back to work! (links to come as edits later)

is death the road to awe?

2007-04-17T11:59:00.000-05:00

i've been trying to relax by listening to some clint mansell. the fountain soundtrack is a beautiful piece of alternately soothing and inspiring music which matches perfectly any aspiration to studying or sleeping. in the wake of yesterday's violence, though, i am really pondering the idea of death leading to awe. first of all: how do we define awe? according to dictionary.com, the archaic/obsolete definition is fear or dread. i think we can safely say that death, or at least the possibility of it, brings humanity, as a whole, a great deal of fear or dread. the more modern term awe brings along with it "an overwhelming feeling of reverence, admiration, fear, etc., produced by that which is grand, sublime, extremely powerful" -- a subtle, but remarkable change.
as i sit here listening to both "death is the road to awe" and some weird rap played by my roommate, i wonder about that distinction. what causes, i wonder, admiration, reverence, fear?
yesterday we were all awed by the power of death over our peers at virginia tech: one man killed, including himself, 33 people. just one man. we won't forget him. is that awe? was this death really the road to awe for him? as we think on how fearful and upset we are, should we not also think of what sort of society promotes death as a road to awe? should we study and discuss serial killers or is that encouragement for those seeking fame through death? should we allow our news to cover the tragedies that take place all over the world -- war, school shootings, violence in so many forms. where is the morality and should morality even play a role in media? how vital is a moral to a reporter (as a professional, rather than as a person.. let's not pick on the media for doing the job that our culture has assigned them).

tomorrow is something called the day of silence. you can read more about it here, but, basically, it's a day in which (except for a few moments -- like my italian tutor helping me out) i and many others will remain silent to undermine the silence that keeps gays in the closet or allows violence against them to go on. tomorrow, i'll be silent in protest of the violence and in sympathy with the sufferers. maybe tomorrow i'll also be silent for the victims of one gunman and one culture at virginia tech.

along with everyone else with a heart..

2007-04-17T08:16:00.000-05:00

my thoughts and prayers are with those suffering from the attack at virginia tech. both victims (those in the hospital and those not) and the shooter himself. pray for their families and for their friends and pray that whatever horrible derangement tormented the killer enough to become that.. well, pray that it's an isolated issue.

as you go through your day, are you telling those that you love that you are, indeed, still loving them? are you making sure that every conversation ends with a kiss? if not.. maybe you should start.

"in sunny santa fe"

2007-04-16T16:10:00.000-05:00

not quite in santa fe, but los angeles?

so, i'm still seriously considering usc as a grad school. trouble is, i think i might not be good enough to get in. it's a hard school to get into and quite pricey.. something around/above $35,000/year. now, if i get in, i stand an excellent chance of receiving a fellowship to cover tuition costs and maybe even provide a stipend, but.. what if i don't get in? could i be happy working as a high school teacher? is it possible for me to quit school to go to work and then get back into it as an older student? ..would i be able to handle kids alongside ph.d work?

is this really even the appropriate time to get into this line of questioning?

on another note: should i apply for the honors college. it has a few perks and a few extra demands. thing is, i don't think i have enough time to finish up the 14 credits it demands or the thesis itself. frankly, though, i'm more interested in the thesis than in the courses. the larger environment of regular courses isn't really a problem for me and earlier scheduling, while nice, isn't really necessary for me since most of the classes i want i can schedule (yay for having tons of credits) and the guaranteed fabulous housing is both on-campus and unenticing. so.. the only real perk is the ability to graduate with honors and the idea of doing a thesis and having it be awesome. i wonder if there's a way i could do a thesis only. hrm.

more to come, hopefully, later in the week. things about the conference (it was lovely) and the conference this weekend. and maybe a little bit about lyle the crocodile.

the sea and the river

2007-04-11T13:06:00.000-05:00

this has been a long week.
and it's still only wednesday.

easter was wonderful! matt and i got home friday evening and got to hang out a little bit with mike paul (HEART!) which was wonderful and then we went back to matt's house and hung out with his mother for a bit before watching legally blonde.. which we chased with a whopping dose of se7en and x-men. we watched a great deal of movies this weekend.. if you couldn't tell. in fact, we watched x-men 2 and fog of war on saturday, both of which were very good, if not a little too dry for late night watching (of course, here i refer to fog of war.. about robert mcnamara.. who some might call an adorable old guy). through watching all these movies, i developed a much more profound respect for two things: david fincher (director for both fight club and se7en) and ridiculous movies when you're in a good mood. legally blonde, a movie that i was not really prepared to enjoy, turned out to be really fun to watch and, while not something that i'll rave about critically, is a film that i will definitely watch again with friends -- if only for the sake of annoying matt.
i also decided that kevin spacey is possibly the best bad guy ever (sorry, ian mckellan, you're great, but serial killers > magnetic dudes).

so, movies aside, we had a great weekend. we got to see my dad and uncle on saturday afternoon for a little while and we got dad some pretty little baby daffodils from the boy scouts. they're adorable! (incidentally, we also got gramma some pretty tulips from the same scouts.. she really loved them. go buy flowers for your loved ones. now!).
my dad is looking a lot worse. he's living now with his mother's husband (so, dad's step-dad, bill, who is actually a really nice guy) and my uncle gus (because gus doesn't want to live in the house that he and his now ex-wife shared). dad can't even say a whole sentence without gasping for air and coughs hard enough to shake the house. i'm so glad that we were able to stop by on saturday, though, because sunday morning we went there for brunch after church (which, frankly, sucked. contemporary services blow) and dad was feeling really lousy. i tried to talk to him but i could barely hear him and i really didn't want to get in his face because i'm sick. blugh!
he's so sweet, though. he got me a great easter gift bag with some salt water taffy from the shore and some pretty pieces of jewelry and a little teddy bear holding a star that says "daughters are angels" .. it's all really adorable, but i can't help but think of how bad he must feel.. he missed my childhood and now he's sort of trying to make up for it, but can barely move without his oxygen tether and physical exhaustion.

i don't even know how to feel anymore... just a lot of regret that we couldn't be a family when i was younger.

all right, i'm cutting this already quite lengthy post short. hopefully, i'll find time to make a happier post later in the week. but, if i don't.. i'm at a conference all weekend -- wish me luck!

"if i could sleep forever..."

2007-04-04T23:38:00.000-05:00

...i'd probably sleep off this awful sickness.

about 100 different varieties of pills and one revisited banana later, i'm heading to bed with little intent of going to morning class and only slightly more attention to showing up at italian tomorrow afternoon.

on a brighter note, i finished baby sock number one. yay!
this isn't mine, but this is using the same pattern i used.
incidentally, if you follow the link, the other pair of socks there is using the same color variegation as the yarn i used for my socks.
the finished one is absolutely adorable and i've already cast on the next. i altered (with the help of alison) the pattern somewhat, so it looks slightly different from the picture above, but you get the basic idea. when i eventually get photos, i'll post them. yay, photo posts!

in the meantime, leave me some feel-better sweetness.

"Nothing will come of nothing: speak again"

2007-04-03T23:47:00.000-05:00

whew! what a busy few weeks i've had.
spring break was a blast (post with pictures upcoming.. eventually) and then i dove right back into schoolwork. the first week was pretty easy -- pleasant reading for classes, interesting poetry and whatnot. last week, though, was a nightmare. oh, sure, it was fun, but i hardly slept, i ate garbage (read: more candy than i've had since halloween age 10) and spent all my time not doing homework and hanging out with gay cowboys (and crew) instead.
that said: Crazy for You was amazingly fun and i can't wait to get involved in the next Thespians show. until now, my membership has been pretty ..lousy, but now i've grown really interested and i'm going to pledge more diligently and be more involved. yay, theatre! i think that, when i eventually get a teaching position somewhere, i'd like to work not just in the english department, but also with the theatre program. i love putting on shows, in any capacity, and would love to be involved with shaping shows at the high school or undergraduate level. *heart*

the cast party was crazy. after a whole week of running and exhaustion and wonderful shows, we ended up doing strike until 4am (or so) sunday morning. so, we postponed the party until sunday night (yes, that's the night preceding monday.. but morning class was canceled, so i felt ok going). it was, in a word, fabulous. we danced and drank and played kings and had a generally wonderful time. we drank a lovely beer (cheap and quite mildly delicious) called lionshead and knocked down a little bit of jim bean whiskey (which would be better if you had a sore throat, as it numbs the tonsils).
we also had an interesting stop on the way home: schwab for peeing. ::chuckle:: at least we had a key.

this week is shaping up to be a little more mild (read: no theatre), but no less wonderful. with challenging and pleasant books for class and very tough but learnable italian lessons, the scholarship angle is going well. work is going ok, too. making some decent bonus and able, so far, to get the mandatory shifts in (only need one more. c'mon thursday!). then.. i'm going home! friday afternoon i'm catching a greyhound and heading home to see my baby! more details on that to come, i'm sure, but right now i'm suffering dreadfully from what looks like either the beginnings of a cold or wicked allergies (hopefully the latter!).

to bed for me. enjoy your days, lovelies.

"why sometimes i've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast"

2007-03-25T23:26:00.000-05:00

just started stage crew tonight for "crazy for you." it's tough and crazy and demanding, but it's really fun, too. the people are great and i'm having a good time working with them and i'm sure, as we learn the scene changes better, the experience will calm down and we can all just relax a little bit.
i know a few of the cast members - rob, mike, and kendall are all in the chorus. it was fun and shocking to realize that these people that i know from a whole 'nother world (altoona, that is) are working with me up here. small world, much?

i was in the theatre for over 6 hours -- from ~4.45 to 11.15 or so. soooo tired! and i'm looking forward to another looong day tomorrow, but it should be fun and enriching, overall. i don't really know why i enjoy working in the theatre - maybe i miss performance? maybe i just want to create something with a group of people. i don't worry about it too much.. i just know that, even though i loathe some parts of it, the waiting, the hurrying, the dealing with actors.. even through all of that, i still love the theatre and i don't want to ever have to give it up. i hope that, when i eventually start working with a university, i'll be able to get involved with the theatre program. i'll never be able to work for a school that has no theatre, has no program for students to create a living, visual, sentient environment for their peers and community.

i find theatre to be the impossible beauty that everyone can participate in - not everyone can act beautifully, not everyone can sing with grace, but everyone can enjoy theatre, whether it's from backstage, the orchestra pit, or the audience.

secrets.

2007-03-24T02:49:00.000-05:00

after a long day and a long night (both of which were arguably excellent).. i felt terrible.

and now i feel so clean.

i'm finally sending in my secrets.

"i'm haunted"

2007-03-20T15:50:00.000-05:00

before i bother to make a post-spring break update detailing our fantastic shenanigans, i thought it'd be just as nice to have a brief, friendly post about how lovely the weather's been lately.
over break, it got up to around 60 degrees and then.. the sky decided to freeze. and fall.
sky, you suck.
up here, it's still cool, but has significantly warmed since the sky started plummeting snow-barf upon us. and i am, consequently, in a significantly better mood. *glee*

and henry green.. no, he doesn't use articles (except for rare occasions). no, he doesn't use all the commas he needs to and, no again, he doesn't use quotation marks but, nonetheless, he's growing on me. i went into class this morning loathing his unconventional ways and nonstandard punctuation, but since speaking about his and learning to have a little respect for his method, i've started to enjoy the book. peer pressure triumphs again! it's still frustrating and confusing, of course, but it's not nearly so bad as when i thought he was just being mean for the sake of pissing off innocent literature students.
i look forward to finishing this novel.

"how we found the same old fears.."

2007-03-07T23:56:00.000-05:00

while listening to depressing, yet beautiful, covers of older music by lovely rasputina, i remembered that i had good news to spill onto the blogosphere.

:several weeks ago, i sent in a paper for a conference. i only did this semi-seriously. the conference in slippery rock (read: bumble) and i wasn't sure that my paper even met the topic of the conference.
now, that i'd all but forgotten about that submission, i got an email: congratulations! you're more awesome than you thought!

so, basically, i submitted a paper only for the sake of doing so.. and got in. no revision, no real thought (plenty of work went into that paper.. it was damn good) but only changing the format from .odt to .doc and attaching it to an email.
why is that so easy?
their response/congratulations email said that this conference, hosting students from the entire state (not just psu like the last conference i went to) only accepted 50 papers.. and my completely effortless submission was one of them. wtf?
whatever, though. i get to present at a conference and be a big-league undergrad. it's pretty exciting to go to conferences: the last one was really fun. yeah, there were some boring papers/people, but the majority of the experience was wonderful and enlightening. this conference will also have me not staying at home. i'll be out of my comfort zone (all but in ohio, actually) and i'll be forced to speak to people that i have no school ties with. it should be exciting.

i like excitement. but, as i've said before and as i'm sure i'll say again.. when is this going to get harder? and when it does, will i be able to handle it?
i guess we'll see. *smile*

"and is this my final chance...?"

2007-03-07T01:55:00.000-05:00

just shy of three weeks ago, i gave a copy of one of my most recently "awesome" writing samples to janet lyon (head of english honors advising) for perusal to decide whether or not i'm eligible for the honors college. since she hasn't yet gotten back to me.. i'm going to assume that i didn't make the cut and i don't have the distinct pleasure/terror of having to write an undergraduate thesis.
of course, that particular pleasure is undercut by the worry that i'll start on my dissertation with no work longer than 20 pages under my belt.
that undercutting, though, is further undermined by my determination to participate in this year's NaNoWriMo, but not in november. instead, i'll be doing it in july.. like all the cool kids. like, uh.. that awesome guy that i called at lion line tonight! i talked to this guy for 50 minutes just shooting the breeze, swapping funny drinking stories (his were, admittedly, way wilder than mine) and talking about computers and writing. he was a really cool guy (freelance writer) who was both refreshing to speak with and full of interesting ideas and tips for getting into both grad school and the professional writing world. and, not only was he cool, but he also pledged $100 on a credit card. sweet half hour bonus! also, he complimented me to my supervisor - this can only lead to good things. the best thing he did, though, was remove me from an entirely draining evening of calling lousy prospects and receiving angry hang-ups instead of scholarship-supporting pledges.

i'm so ready for spring break. my yarn hasn't arrived yet (so i'm dreading tomorrow's 3 hour english class and another 3 1/2 hour shift at work with nothing to do) and i have no motivation to study for my midterms (i read, so i'm good.. all i need to do is not mix up spenser and wells. should be pretty easy), nor do i have any desire to work on this paper due tomorrow. i've got it halfway done, i've got strong notes, and a potent ability to bullshit my way through, but... the act of writing with no real interest is just.. not holding my interest?

on a brighter note, even though i'm pretty sure i'm not in the honors college, i'll still be able to schedule some pretty sweet english classes next semester because the available ones are looking awesome: stuff like "the american novel 1900-1945" and american poetry of the same period. also, some scary/enjoyable stuff like "the english novel to austen" which would have me read fielding and sterne.. but in a more mature way.

my father sent me a valentine's day card. i don't really know how i feel about my relationship with him: i'm so glad to finally be able to see him and tell him i love him and call him dad, but.. on the other hand: am i setting myself up for a ton of pain? he's got very aggressive cancer - will it kill him before i can see the pride in his eyes as he walks his only daughter into a traditional wedding? i guess that's sort of a take-off from my positive rantings just a moment ago. i have the card he sent me strapped to my corkboard, the little enclosed piece with my name and a quotation from psalms sits in the front of a picture frame holding my matthew-pirate. i see both my father's love and my matthew's very different love whenever i sit at my desk.
i hope they both can stick around for a long time. ::kicks mortality::
::and fickleness::

"money, it's a gas"

2007-03-02T16:01:00.000-05:00

work finally paid me last night - yess! so, what did i do? the obvious, of course: bought things! not only did i order the yarn that features in the last post (purchased 7 skeins in hollyberry), but i also bought some fabulous needles at michael's (thanks for taking me, alison!). i bought a circular needle for doing the main body of the pretty sweater and a set of double-pointed needles (DPNs) for the sleeves and whatnot. they're so wonderful and i'm working on learning how to use them. using some of the lousy acrylic yarn i have left over from past projects, i figured out how to use the DPNs and my next learning time will include figuring out how to use the circular needle without throwing the whole project on the floor in frustration/clumsiness.
so, today is "state patty's day" and not only are there tons of people wearing green today (myself included) but there are also people *conspicuously* missing from my classes. my 1pm italian class was missing a full half of the people so, for the second day in a row, we didn't do anything. this week has been so great - completely unproductive - but great. monday we just sort of bummed around and went over homework, tuesday we had fun silly italian guys come in and we sang and danced the tarantella with them. wednesday there's no class and yesterday we just talked about how the professor used to teach in georgia and couldn't understand anyone in the town. apparently, savannah is as backward as any other place in the south. today the only thing we learned was a few swear words. *gringrin*
i've been listening to flogging molly all day. i'd forgotten how great they could be when you were having a nice sunny day - i've mostly been listening to them when i need a pick-up, not when i'm already feeling good.
and why am i feeling good? well, i finished another book today (a walker in the city) and i'm finally heading back to under western eyes and we're sooooo done with "faerie queene" of which i was very much tired. we're picking up a more profound book in the jewish lit class (malamud's the assistant) and i finished reading "the laramie project" which nearly had me in tears with its strength. i suggest everyone read it: it's definitely worthwhile, especially as a quick read (i read it in, maybe, two hours).
i feel like, even with midterms quickly approaching (one on monday and wednesday and another on thursday and a paper due wednesday), i've got more free time than i've had recently. it's a good feeling.
also, tonight (right after work), anita and i are going to shamrockapella, an a capella concert to benefit veterans recovering from war trauma. it's not just a good cause but it'll be friggin' sweet music. i'm definitely looking forward to it (especially as it follows only 2 1/2 hours of work, instead of the normal 3 1/2). we're also planning on going to see "in pursuit of happyness" at the HUB tonight. i've heard good things about that, and it's got will smith's cute little boy in it, so it can't be too bad.

in other news: i've become best friends with the humanities reading room in the library. it's a great place to go just to read in a quiet atmosphere uncluttered with distractions like the internets.. and blogging.
on that note, though, i have to get going. must feed before work and maybe even relax a little bit before heading out. yay, relaxation!

happy state patty's day: i hope you don't remember it, but in a safe way. *grin*

"come what may"

2007-03-01T12:38:00.000-05:00

i started my italian homework about 40 minutes ago, and promptly left off doing it in favor of watching "a very long engagement" - a film highly recommended by a friend and which seems both lovely and moving, but the copy i have has really lousy subtitles, so i guess i'll just have to legitimately rent it from someplace. pirating, you have failed me!
in any case, the film reminded me of something special that i was thinking this morning: matthew and i have been together (but for one brief lapse) 33 months. such an interesting number. not quite three years, but still impressive. i also love numbers divisible by eleven.
of course, today i checked out kawaiinot (which everyone should be reading) and found this lovely comic that you barely see to the left. *gringrin*
today is a loooong day (only two classes, but work afterwards and i still have to read more of "the faerie queene"). i went to bed late, but got a lot accomplished: finished to the lighthouse (yesss!) and typed up some notes that i'd written for my next paper. by 2am, i had finished pretty much all i'd wanted to accomplish for the day.
also today, i'm looking forward to going with alison to the yarn store and/or michael's (!) to pick up needles for my next project. i finished matt's hat (unfortunately, i don't have my camera up here, so no pictures until i have a picture device) and am anxious to start on this awesome sweater. ideally, i'll do it in this pretty yarn, but i'm not sure which color. sort of a toss-up between leaf, hollyberry, and slate (listed in order of preference). lettuce doesn't look bad, either. i'm looking at needing ~7 skeins to finish the sweater (extra because leftovers > running out mid-sleeve).
so, i'm looking at an overall investment of .. maybe $40 for this sweater, but it'll be fabulously soft and will procure me many useful needles along the way. yay, knitting!

that's about all for now. still have to do this italian homework that i've been putting off. leave comments about yarn color!

"californication"

2007-02-22T15:58:00.000-05:00

and, while matt is whooping it up in california over spring break, i will be home, hanging out with curtis, anita, mike, doug(?), jaclyn(?) and others and making wonderful, awesome cookies. hopefully, curtis and i will be able to churn out a delicious batch of these babies .. i liberated the recipe for them (among others) from this blog by joseph hall (i hope he doesn't mind!). his recipe repertoire also includes such goodies as ubuntu cookies and tux cookies.
hopefully they'll turn out well!

if we're really creative, maybe we can conjure up some gaiman-inspired cookies. i'd love to make a sandman dessert. *gringrin*

"the city she loves me"

2007-02-22T15:46:00.000-05:00

before i run off to a speech at the library about *glee* comic books, i wanted to post a little blog goodness. first of all, let me mention that i'm having a great day: really busy, but good. this morning started well with coffee and class and a great discussion with kelly innes (prof = awesome) about jouissance and epiphany (which i brought up a few weeks ago and which he wanted to talk more about). tomorrow i'm going to meet him at saint's cafe (near panera) to discuss my paper due tuesday. he's holding office hours in a cafe. sweet!
in any case, talked with him, which is always awesome because he's really smart and has really interesting views. well, then i went back to my room to do the homework for him that i'd forgotten (turned into a cool reading response comparing mansfield's "marriage a la mode" to hogarth's "marriage a-la-mode" .. i thought it was ironic, the same titles, and then i got interested and found a whole bunch of fascinating parallels. yes!
then i ran off to italian and had a good class where i understood all the concepts and enjoyed myself immensely and after which i went to speak with my advisor. actually, i forgot what i wanted to talk with her about, so i ended up just saying hi and then leaving to go turn in my writing sample for janet lyon (the english honors advisor who holds my future in her hands). i turned in one of my better papers: the one i wrote about ethan frome in which i took a lacanian interpretation. i had a great time writing that one. yay!
so, my day will be moving forward in a few minutes as i hasten away to the library and, from there, make my way to work until 9:30. after that, i still have to read cantos 5&6 of book 1 of "the faerie queene" for doc rissell and i really want to work on this paper for kelly (especially since i'm going to talk with him about it tomorrow).

so, yeah.. that's my day. all 37 hours of it. *grin*

not only long-winded, but also geographically disabled (i.e. lost)

2007-02-21T14:31:00.000-05:00

today i stumbled across a website that i used to frequent in high school: rumandmonkey.com, home to silly tests (always involving obliteration of a small village) and liberal blog-goodness from before the time it became seriously cool to blog on a regular basis.

according to their "world extremity" test..

Which Extremity of the World Are You?
From the towering colossi at Rum and Monkey.

..does that mean i'm deep?

today, i was quite deep... ly lost in the library. i thought, "oh, it'll be nice to go read in a quiet corner of the stacks" well.. quiet corner found, reading finished, i decided to leave the stacks. finding entrances to the stacks is, apparently, infinitely easier than finding exits. they seem designed to trap and hold the innocent reader looking for merely a quiet spot on a heartily populated campus.
of course, after finally escaping their clutches, i decided i needed to return to the depths to find some fascinating scholarship comparing dante and joyce.. how could i pass that up!? so, i went back down and, lo and behold, could not find the book i was looking for. i followed the numbers, found the ones near it, was surrounded by works about joyce.. yet could not find the one book i was looking for.. or a helpful librarian in the stacks.. or, again, an exit by which to leave the godforsaken cramped, barely space.
what joy i will have while working on my thesis (should i be accepted).. i'll basically live in the stacks while researching obscure scholars commenting on less-obscure writers. oh, i love it!

i will surely come more prepared for spelunking the next time i visit the library: backpack and library-safe mug are definitely coming along for my next excursion into that cursed den of literary sloth.. the stacks.
(and then i had a great time checking out the graphic novel display in the non-stacks area of the library and one of the galleries in the HUB which was displaying weird art about healing. quite cool, go see if you can).

maybe i am a little long winded..

2007-02-20T23:09:00.000-05:00

as my friends begin to move on with their lives i, once again, find myself feeling sort of left behind. the same thing happened in high school: i was a sophomore and all my senior friends left to go to college, moved on with their lives, lost touch with me (to a greater or lesser degree).
when i first started college, i worried that i wouldn't make fast friends, that i'd just sort of solo my way through and feel lonely and lousy pretty much all the time. while that has been true a little (i haven't made boatloads of new friends), i've cultivated the strong friendships that i developed while in high school and i feel like i'm approaching a new awareness of myself and my peers through my lonely excursions.. i feel as if my alone time has given me time to expose my own thoughts on things that i would otherwise never have encountered.
this separation from matt is killing me -- i would love to be living with him right now.. come home to him smiling after classes, prepare dinner for the two of us while he works on some class stuff, plots out a new film. i would love for him to cook us dinner while i read aloud to him. i would read him catherine mansfield, in keeping with my newfound adoration of her beautiful writing. her words are fresh and as beautiful as woolf's but without all the 2-page sentences. she is easily as delightfully ambiguous though -- reading her is like puzzling through a challenging mystery: i have to connect each detail to the next and cultivate a real sense of understanding before i can determine the thrust of the story. i'm enjoying every word and every work.

i went to the honors advisor today: she basically told me that, in order to graduate with honors over the next three semesters, i'll have no social life and i will spend what little "freetime" i have outside of my intense classes holed up in the archives of the library gorging on literary criticism and scholarship. i'm delighted! it'll be a refreshing change of pace -- i'll feel like i'm actually contributing a body of scholarly work, not just leaching off it for my own deeds. it'll be a beautiful scenario of give-and-take, if i can qualify for the honors program, that is. otherwise, i'll not write a serious thesis until grad/ph.d work.

i've downloaded a recommended reading least from stanford's ph.d program: i intend to pursue it over this coming summer and during my teaching period in japan. it should be quite interesting to work on austen, thackeray, and milton while working at a contemporary bank and while teaching children the basics of english communication. i'll be spelling words in ways that were conventional hundreds of years ago, speaking in literary tongues archaic and delicious. yum!

now, onto spenser and his lovely "faerie queene" before i retire to my junk-covered bed.

and the last man standing..

2007-02-19T18:19:00.000-05:00

i'm pretty sure they all sat down. i couldn't see anyone standing on the floor of the BJC after they said the dancers could sit - just a bunch of relieved, sore, possibly delirious kids really happy to be off their feet.

the number alone, though.. that's enough to need a seat for. $5.2 million, a whole million over last year's number... crikey!

i went (slightly drunk) on saturday night (i sobered pretty quickly) and was kinda bored.. i was tired and nobody seemed to have much spirit. the stands were barren and the floor was not the inspiring sight i excepted. on sunday afternoon, though, i went around 3:30 for the numbers and the entire building was packed, floor to ceiling (with a few exceptions, of course). all the dancers were (amazingly) peppy and the whole crowd was into it. everyone did (or attempted) to do the line dance and, i think, that was the most moving part of it all -- seeing thousands of people all waving their arms and chanting in time. there was a primitive, tribal feeling of .. goodwill. it was lovely and unexpected.

i loved the colors. it was my first THON and i didn't really know what to expect, but it certainly wasn't a sea of neon colors competing, in friendly fashion, to outshine the rest. had everyone been much less tired, i would have expected crowd surfing. i couldn't see the floor.
the children were wonderful.. mingling in the chromatically separated groups, hitching shoulder rides and dancing like shining maniacs -- they were beautiful and uninhibited. not to be didactic, but.. we could probably all learn something from the little boys on stage who looked completely foolish, but were having so much fun. they shone.

next year, i hope to get more actively involved.. something so moving and so good.. not something i want to pass up.

and, on an entirely unrelated note, i'm getting a pair of these tights in emerald (i wish i could snag one of the models with the tights.. agh!) i expect everyone to coo and admire when i wear them. please don't let me down!

"raise your glass high"

2007-02-18T15:01:00.000-05:00

so, i'm in a pretty good mood right now.

over the weekend, i raised ~$500 for THON (working at lion line.. calling up those bitches.. For The Kids!!).

so, i feel like i've done a good thing (and i also got paid to do it.. yess!).
i'm headed off now to watch the numbers go up for the end of the dance. i'm interested in seeing how many dancers stay on their feet for the last two hours after the official dancing is over - in apparent homage to previous dances and past dancers.
i hope a lot of the kids are there. and that i can find a place where i can actually see through what i expect will be *masses* of people. all of them completely insane.

i am back to save the universe

2007-02-16T15:19:00.000-05:00

so, talked to alison today about honors college stuff -- definitely going to ask the advisor if it's possible for me to get in and whether she thinks there'll be a decent amount (read: any) honors courses offered next summer when i'll be finishing my degree.

i planned out the basic idea for my next three semesters, as per my understanding of the degree audit and credit system. here goes:

Fall '07:

awesome 300-400 level english
awesome 300-400 level english
lab science (maybe astronomy?)
humanity class (cross-listed with US cultures class)
italian 2

-- that should equal 17 credits (italian = 4 credits, science w/ lab = 4 credits)

Spring '08:

awesome english thesis class
lousy gen. ed. english 202B
gen. ed science (hopefully geosci something)
math of some sort (yikes! hopefully philosophy of math)
italian 3

-- that should equal 16 credits (italian = 4, everything else 3)

Summer '08:

awesome english 300-400 level
other things to fill up schedule
other things
other things
other things

-- that needs to be 15 credits so.. a schedule mostly full of deliciously easy and/or interesting classes while working long hours at some hopefully decent paying job.

so, that's the schedule i'm hoping to pursue, tentatively. will it work out? i'm hoping. really hoping.. i don't like the idea of spending the summer away from home, but ..i don't know where matt will be (probably california), anyway, and he's the person i spend most time with at home. while i'll miss gramma and all my friends, i don't really spend that much time with friends while i'm at home and i'll be 21 up here and hopefully surrounded by at least one or two people with whom i can enjoy a legal adult beverage. *grin*

so, here's hoping and leaving off the blogging so that i can get some homework done before going in to work and making money .. For the Kids! (lion line is concentrating all this weekend, starting last night, on raising money for THON and every dollar i bring in tonight will be for the kids.. which i think is better than the normal dull cases and dry donations that people normally give to nominally support "academics" .. this means so much more).

"i'm staring at the asphalt wondering what's buried underneath"

2007-02-15T17:12:00.000-05:00

what lives under roads? i remember being little and killing weeds creeping out through cracks in the driveway. i poured vinegar on them and they would shrivel sadly. it always made me sad to kill these brave little creatures, to squash their little photosynthetic lives. they always conjured up fun imaginative stories of heroic ent-beings who would swoop in (or clamber up, as the case may be) in picturesque style, capture the "bad guys," rescue the "helpless maiden" (that'd be me), and, finally, repave the driveway so that nothing else could come up to disrupt their new conquest. they would tolerate no opposition.

on a less innocently childlike note, i ignored my morning english class today to tentatively plan out my next (and last) three semesters. apparently, to finish all my degree requirements, i need only 35 more credits. to qualify for a liberal arts degree, though, i need to complete 123 credits (i've got 75 after this semester) so i need to finish 48 more credits before i can graduate. so.. that leaves me with 13 credits with which i can do pretty much anything. so, instead of thinking "easy classes, easy a's, easy GPA improvement" i'm thinking "ooh, minor in classical and mediterranean studies!" it would be easier for me to get a minor in italian, though since i'll already have 12 credits completed in the language to work with (only 21 credits to a a language minor, i believe).

so, i'll finish the bulk of my coursework in the next two semesters (fall '07 and spring '08) and then finish up anything else and take "fun" courses as much as i can in summer '08. hopefully i will be able to do the commencement exercises with the spring graduation so that i can have a nice ceremony with all the pomp and circumstance that my high school graduation was pretty free of. (i'm still pissed at mom for not taking any photos. wtf, mom?).

in other news, i'm falling behind a little in my hard english (456 - british modernism) class, but i should be able to catch up pretty easily. just need to keep plowing through another hundred or so pages of conrad while balancing all my other books, classes, and obligations.

right now, though, i need to grab an apple and catch the bus before i'm late for work. lion line... do i love you or do i loathe you? i've been working there a little over two weeks now, i guess (including training) and so far i haven't found it too bad, just a little discouraging at times. it pays $6.50/hour and you only need to work three 3-hour shifts every week. if you work more shifts, you make more money (read: get raises) and if you do certain excelling things during your shifts, you get more money. i love the flexible schedule: i make my own schedule and pick my own shifts. i can change a shift as late as 11.59pm the night before the shift and i'm surrounded by friendly people. it's an easy job and i can do simple homework tasks while doing it. ::shrug:: it's work, but not demanding and i get to sit while doing it. they also have free hot chocolate. that's a biiiiig draw. like you wouldn't believe. oh, and the fact that it raises money for university programs.. not a detractor. *grin* it also seems like a pretty good resume builder: "i raised $10,000 for scholarships at PSU" .. werd.

bloodsport

2007-02-15T00:08:00.000-05:00

well, now that i'm exhausted and have put off sleep for too long, i'll stop putting off posting .. good deal, eh?
well, it's late and i've had an.. interesting day. last night, i played in the snow for a long time, had a good time with alison and walked around after playing a rollicking several minutes of snow soccer. it was nice to just walk in the freezing cold watching other people sledding and feeling cozy in my coat and two pairs of pants.
this morning, of course, i woke up terribly sore (when did i get so old?) and dreading the day ahead.. then i found out we didn't have classes. yess! so, i went back to bed. yay, sleeping. i didn't wake up until matt called me at 12:50 to wish me a happy valentine's day and tell me sweet things. what a good boy. *smile*
i called anita and went over to bake some cookies with her and went to alison's after that for knitting lessons. i started an adorable hat and would provide pictures except for the lack of camera and the fact that i tore out the hat because it had so many ugly mistakes. in fact, i "frogged" it. apparently, the knitting community has a whole host of adorable and/or fitting jargon terms to make knitting even more awesome than it already is.
so, even though classes were canceled, alison and i had to walk together to our class because the prof. wasn't nice enough to cancel it (it runs from 3.30 to 6.30 and classes were only canceled until 5). even though it was a pain to get there and we didn't really want to go, it was a pretty good class. al and i both knitted quietly while still actively participating in the discussion. it was nice to be in such a small class, again: of the 30-40 kids in the class, only about 10 of us showed up. it was nice and cozy.
so, after class, i came back, fed, and went to the anime club meeting.. it was going to be pretty sweet because i hadn't gone in a while and i missed the atmosphere of nutty people. well, before we got there, a fraternity had been hosting a bear-building activity and wanted us to participate before they left.. well, i agreed and made an adorable fat lion holding a rose. he's soooo cute and i went over to put it in a box and then they told me how much it cost. well.. that was nice.. considering they had no signs advertising a cost and hadn't mentioned price whatsoever until that point. of course, i didn't have any money on me and, as it was $20, i didn't want to buy it, anyway. had they told me it would've cost me.. i wouldn't have done it in the first place. so, anita ended up paying for it (i would've rather not paid for it and had them just disassemble the monster, but whatever) and i feel really mad about the whole thing. now, i owe anita $20 for a lion i wouldn't have bought in a store (and have no one really to give it to) and i feel so angry that those boys had me make this thing and then decided to tell me i had to pay for it. nothing said money. i feel so .. swindled, like it was a big con to get me to "fall in love" with this animal and then pay them for it.
the only mitigating factor involved is that the proceeds probably went to charity (likely THON), so i don't feel as bad, but.. c'mon.. $20 for a bear/lion thing? i wouldn't pay that and i really can't afford it. i feel cheated and angry and helpless.
it really ruined my day.

on a brighter note, i think i'll donate plasma when i get a chance (they pay you ~$25 per donation and you can donate 2x/week).. it seems like a good thing. basically, you give them a part of your blood (so it shouldn't be as exhausting as giving whole blood) and it takes a while (two hours, i think). the only real drawback is the amount of time (which isn't that bad since i can read during it), but it might also hurt. i don't want hurting! i figure i'll drop in some day when i have some free time and see how it all works. can't hurt to find out, right?
if i do donate plasma, though.. i'll be able to put that money right into my wallet just a sort of gift to myself. yarn money, perhaps? subsidizing for matthew's airplane tickets to come visit me? unfortunately, after reading some documentation on it, i realize that i can't donate until the end of march because i recently gave blood. boooo.

ugh, too tired to write more. must sleep. to bed, to bed, and hopefully to a brighter tomorrow.

"we move together like underwater plants"

2007-01-24T13:24:00.000-05:00

i'm feelin' a little bit rushed.

yesterday was a whirlwind sort of day. i hauled myself out of bed and wasted time until breakfast then had an exhilarating discussion in english 456 (including a brief one about the relationship of epiphany, moments of vision, and jouissance) and then dawdled and didn't have time to mail out the package that i need to send out by today (amazon marketplace item). i rushed off to lunch with a friend of mine and had a good time (despite the sometimes desperate lulls in conversation), but waited too long to leave for class and was several minutes late to italian. after italian, i scooted over to the HUB to buy some gum to mask the stench of tuna breath before bolting to my job interview and arriving just a few minutes late (but with a call making sure my arrival was anticipated).
the interview went well.. it was my first "real" job interview. i've only had two other jobs and interviews: one with barbara nesbitt ("amanda, you can type, right? want me to pay you to do it?") and one with wawa ("you're here? you're hired." thanks ken!). the girl interviewing me was really nice - she was a good conversationalist and answered all my questions. she asked me about my previous experience with public speaking and my ability to persuade (the job is lion line.. i get to call alumni and ask for money.. werd). overall, she was really nice and i felt pretty confident. i start training on monday. after i ultimately get hired (::crosses fingers::), i'll be making $6.50/hour flat-rate and then i have the opportunity for raises based on performance, attendance, and coming back next semester. she said that, if i just sit on my butt and make a few phone calls, i'll walk out with ~$20 after my three hour shift. if i do a good job and really work hard to convince people to gimme money, though, i can definitely get a lot more out of it.. and so will the university.
right now i'm putting off writing the rest of an essay for my english 497C class.. it's the "new york jew" course and i'm a little intimidated. i've got an essay due today for a class to which i've only been twice.. i don't know the prof and i don't know really what he wants. we haven't discussed the book and .. i think i might also be responsible for a 2-3 page reading response and class discussion today. the syllabus says that he'll just choose some people from the class to turn in the analysis and do the discussion, so i will just hope he bypasses me. thing is, the syllabus isn't really explicit about those things. it doesn't give strict guidelines or set up real duedates for them.
really, my classes are starting to get challenging and full of work. now that we've finished the fairly easy war of the worlds in english 456, we're moving onto the more difficult under western eyes which, while better written, is both longer and more verbose. tomorrow i have a quiz in that class and i've already had a quiz in english 221 (got 110%). i have an italian vocab test on friday and next friday is the first exam. i don't really feel like i've learned that much yet, though, so i'm sort of worried. thank goodness i dropped that science class!
went to my first anime club meeting last night. it was pretty fun and i watched a fun/silly anime called "please, teacher" about a hot alien babe who looks like a human with giant boobies. she and this student fall into all sorts of bad-looking, but innocent situations and have to get married to prevent the teacher from losing her job. it's pretty interesting (if ridiculous and full of fanservice) and i had a good time hanging out with banana and caz while watching it.
tonight is my first chance to go to a sci-fi club meeting. we'll be watching donnie darko and, i assume, discussing it, which should be interesting. i look forward to hanging out with a select crowd of geeks, nerds, and sundry. it's funny.. as much as i am a nerd, these people make me seem like the pinnacle of non-nerdiness. they're outrageous and physically overboard while i'm relatively docile and level-headed. when they're screaming and attention-whoring, i'm doing the same.. but in a much quieter and insidious fashion. *evil giggle* it's a fascinating thing to participate in, though, these nerd fests.. i like to witness the person that i've narrowly avoided becoming.
of course, that sounds completely arrogant. i don't look down on these people: they're fun and some are becoming my friends (if they aren't already). the thing that i find disdainful about them is their over-abundance of action. there's no reason to throw a fit when someone touches your shoulder, no reason to threaten violence if someone playfully takes your hat.

as much as i would like to dissect the possible motives behind this behavior, i need to finish up the paper i'm currently ignoring, so i'm off.. maybe to revisit the topic at a later date.

"we will become silhouettes when our bodies finally go"

2007-01-20T16:57:00.000-05:00

today is a pretty unproductive day.

i sucessfully slept until way too late and didn't go out to capture the new shoes that i want (though anita volunteered to introduce me to buses and how public transportation can now be my friend). i did get an italian hoagie (so much meat! and delicious!) and read more for classes. by tuesday, i need to have finished war of the worlds, which shouldn't be a big problem, seeing as i only have about a hundred pages left. last night i did some italian homework and read beowulf as far as i need to for another english class on monday. i've got a paper to write by wednesday and i need to hang out in the library, probably tonight, to do the science reading that i didn't bother with the other day. so, even though today has been a pretty lazy day, i'm ok -- it's my reward for being all "on-task" during the week.
went to late-night at the HUB last night. painted a cute little trinket box and got an adorable balloon animal made: unfortunately, lola the frog has become slightly handicapped through somewhat rough treatment and circumstance. poor lola. ={ i had a good time last night, though. anita and i made dinner for each other: i made pasta and sauce and she made salad with the delicious veggie treats i brought over. it was an ironically vegan dinner, actually. *grin*

nick cazaubon has invited me (coercion notwithstanding) to join his d&d group where i will be able to make friends with a staggeringly dorky group of young men. i'm looking to be a halfling pirate. argh!
tomorrow i also have a meeting for the thespian troupe on campus. i'm pretty excited about that -- especially since they have a children's show for which i would definitely consider auditioning. i would love to work on another theatre performance, though. maybe as a less powerful being than ASM, but definitely in charge of some lights or something.
i'm also looking forward to beginning to attend sci-fi club meetings as well as anime club gatherings. i should be able to create a greater friend base as well as have a good time watching weird/fun shows with weird/fun folks. so, i'm definitely working toward having a good chance at making some new friends: my lack of a glut of close friends becomes really apparent to me on weekends. during the week, i'm super busy, but the weekends are times when i'm not going out (fine by me since most "out"ings involve alcohol that i'm not into during the school year) and when i'm not really doing much except homework -- just a sort of less social weekday.
this lack is sort of an especial problem today: while i'm sitting here being both bored and lonesome, my baby is having a great time (not the problem here, i encourage him to enjoy himself). the problem lies in who he is enjoying himself with -- a girl to whom i know he's been attracted in the past. i feel almost as he must have when, after my encounters with a former stage management team member, i still had to spend a lot of time with her. he must've worried every rehearsal about what would happen during breaks, what things i might potentially be keeping from him. while i'm not terribly worried about it - i trust him implicitly - it does still worry me that he's so far from me and so near to others and having such a wonderful time when most of the time we spend together is through a crackly and upsetting phone connection or exasperating internet messaging. it's painful to keep in touch sometimes. other times it's just impossible. and he has such easy access up there... ::sigh::
the important thing is mostly not that i'm worried, really, but that i'm jealous. it's completely unfair to him to suggest that i'm worried. but, .. i dunno.. it's hard to put my feelings into words, especially since i'm not perfectly clear on them myself.

when i was in high school, i'd go to see matt in the morning with a friend of mine. we'd refer to him as "the wizard." how ironic now that, while listening to the wicked soundtrack, the lyrics to "the wizard and i" echo so prominently. what a pair we'll be.. the wizard and i!.

"and from your lips she drew a hallelujah"

2007-01-19T09:05:00.000-05:00

i've been struggling with some depression lately. worrying about gramma and my father and all the unwell people in my life, stressing over classes that may prove too hard or too engrossing, pining over my matthew while simultaneously lamenting the dangerously difficult relationship ours has turned out to be.. it's all really heavy to hold and i feel as if i'm standing on slippery ground.
i'm worried about the future most. i know that i can drop this science class if it turns out to be too much, i know that, if i'm completely overwhelmed by reading, i can just take it a little bit slower, employ those techniques that i've picked up over the years.
what i don't know is if i'll still be in a relationship come summertime. what i don't know is how much longer i'll have to develop a bond with my father and how much more time i have with my grandmother. just at the point where i can finally create a bond with my father, i feel as if i'll lose him. same with gramma: we've always had a bond, but i feel like i can do so much for her, if only she'll stick around long enough. i want to see her at my college commencement and i want my father to escort me up a lengthy, prettied aisle toward the man looking to become my husband. i want gramma to be there to coach me through my first child and i want my father to be able to play with his grandchild as he never really could with me.

even green day cannot clear my blues. the snow outside might help levy me up a little though. *little grin*

on the other hand, my academic career is looking ..fabulous. my classes are consistently awesome (or at least passable!). and the professors are amazing and engaging -- the reading is fascinating and, even though it'll increase in difficulty, i'm not overly worried. i can spend tons of time with anita and really catch up where we had neglected our friendship. there are plenty of unknowns, lots of things to work out with my academic advisor, really, but.. i'm thinking of petitioning to join the honors college. i figure, because i only have ~45 credits to go to get my degree, even if i finish in three semesters, they'll be light semesters.. and i could potentially get a thesis written if i were only taking two or three other courses. what do you think? i don't really know about the process for entering the college, but i think i would be eligible given my good gpa and overall performance.

study abroad is another thing that's confusing me -- should i go next year and possible leave anita in the lurch for housing? what about senior year? would that make me miss out on state college for my last year/semester? should i even do study abroad? i feel pretty secure in teaching in japan after i get my degree, i think i'll regret if i don't.. so should i even bother shelling out the extra money and time to study abroad while i'm in college when i'll be spending at least a year abroad outside of psu's lofty realms?

i've got a lot of questions and i'm a little blue, but, overall, i think i'm really ok. it's nice to get up at a decent hour of the morning and leisurely take my morning in small doses until i am again a caffeinated human being.

stop by later for more on how crazy my MLK class is going to end up being (!).
look for updates on my english classes (!!!).
check back to see whether or not i stay in science (!?!)

"i have to speculate"

2007-01-18T00:30:00.000-05:00

i've been unreasonably tired lately.

i wonder if it's due to the stress of a new semester (or the stress of living up arguably four flights of stairs and about a half mile from each class) or due to some other factor such as poor eating habits, my grandmother dying (father's mother, not gramma), or intense missing of the love of my life (OMG!!)

mom is doing well so far after her surgery (gastric bypass). she had it about two weeks ago now and is recovering well and has already lost some weight. though i'm skeptical about it, i'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt. if she thinks she can turn her life around with this surgery, i'm rooting for her.. especially since it will make my life better. yeah, totally selfish, but i think she sort of owes it to me -- the best thing she ever did for my childhood was work days so that i could spend more time with gramma, drawing my upbringing more from her than from my own mother.
my mother has taught me some valuable things about parenting - namely what not to do. she's impatient and inconsistent. you know what i wanted most from my mother as a kid? a chore chart. that way i'd have an infallible list of crap i needed to do so that i could do it before she could start being unreasonable.

i feel like a more full person, though, having dealt with the childhood i had. i can empathize more keenly with accounts of distress, both real and fictional. and, because i am in a greater position for love now (with my baby making every effort he can), i can similarly empathize with those who are in the best of situations. what i cannot ever understand, though, is those who have never dealt with either substantial or sustained abuse and who feel nothing for those who have. it is these bigots who cut so badly as i try to heal the wounds of my youth.

"kill the headlights and put it in neutral"

2007-01-17T14:14:00.000-05:00

went to more classes today (one more to go). the morning class was awesome. the professor (doc) is super excited and a former cowboy (go figure). the topics seem like they'll be both challenging and fun: beginning with a translation of "beowulf" (thank goodness.. hwath hrothgar huh?) and moving on through the middle ages. we'll be covering a few old english pieces and moving into middle english and then spending a good deal of the semester covering early modern english works -- shakespeare, spencer, milton, locke.. you get the idea. so, while some of it i'll already be familiar with (mostly the chaucer), most of it will be new territory, even the shakespeare. i've only read a few shakespeare plays in entirety -- the ones i know really well i've either seen in person or worked on for theatre. we're covering "king lear" and i think that should be interesting. ::shrug:: i don't really know, but the prof comes highly recommended by a trusted advisor. (thanks!).
now, my science gen ed. ... on the other hand.. i think i'll drop it. today he gave us a "brief" overview of stuff he expects to know already. egads.. it was like trying to understand a primer on quantum physics. it seems like, if i can just follow him in class (which might prove a feat too difficult), i'd do well, but i'm not confident that i'll be able to devote to it the amount of time it would probably require for me to do well in the course -- i've got three english courses that take precedence. lots of reading > lots of mitochondria.
soon i'm off to my last class of the day: a three-hour long class.. on jewish lit. werd.

this is turning out to be what looks like it could be a great semester.

"her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you"

2007-01-16T23:24:00.000-05:00

after an exhilarating move-in weekend, i've finally started classes at university park. and i've found a greater confidence in doing so. the first class (english 456 at 9:45 am) got me off on the right foot: super excited ph. d student as professor, a great collection of texts, decent class size and setup. i'm excited about having smart peers to compete with and experienced superiors to look up to. my italian class looks like it's going to be hard -- taught in italian, apparently.. yikes!
i visited the stacks in paterno/pattee library.. egads. so many books and so little space. very claustrophobic, but still sort of fun. with shelves only ~2ft. apart forming tiny corridors of barely lit mustiness.. it was a lot like walking into a very authentic horror film location.
i'm pretty well settled into the dorm.. it's an adjustment. some of the design (like the bathrooms) is great.. other, unfortunately, not so great. the closets - not number one. the bed is nice and low, though, which means that, while i can't store much under it, i can easily make it and i don't have to take a running leap to get into it. my roommate seems nice as well. i haven't gotten to know her very well yet, but, aside from being a windows user (*shiver*), she seems like a decent person.
the desks here suck. little to no storage space and no place to stash my texts and notebooks.. a nice little place for a piratey picture of my baby.

we had some trouble over break. after our good friends announced their engagement (for which we are ridiculously happy), we had some tough discussions which, while working out now, made for a pretty miserable few days. we're slowly fixing the problems that caused our discontent and, while i'll be doing most of the problem-solving (i.e. not being aggravating anymore), i think it'll be an entirely positive thing. we'll both become more mature out of it and i think that can only be for the better.

i finally got to spend some time with caz whom i haven't substantially seen since senior year of high school. he's invited me to his d&d extravaganza and i'm pretty keen on having a pirating halfling. yesss! i've been spending a good amount of time with banana which is great because our friendship really suffered when we couldn't see eachother at school.. it's great that we can get together, with just a phone call, and have dinner and chat. we spent about four hours today just shooting the bull and chatting about comics and books and classes and ..everything. it was great.
i'm worried that i might too easily isolate myself.. i have a ton of homework for this semester and it'll be easy to just do it quietly in the library/dorm/dining hall while spending time with too few people. to help allay that fear, i have signed up for the anime and sci-fi clubs' listservs and will at least see some free movies and have some fun, geeky discussions. i'll be helping out with setsucon, too. that's the anime club's convention that sounds like it could either be enormous fun, an enormous disaster, or both. we'll see.
i'm tired and procrastinating on my already increasingly substantial homework (already!), so that's it for tonight.

"know your enemy"

2006-12-18T00:44:00.000-05:00

tonight, i was helping a friend to study for biology.
now, mind you, i haven't taken biology since ninth grade.. and never seriously. but, i was world ahead of her with the concepts behind the work. and i wonder what it is that makes me able to understand.
last year, i helped people with math. i'm an english major for goodness sake... i need two classes of math for the rest of my life.. and i'm helping business and science majors with math and science!
it seems so strange that i can be so.. renaissance about it all. sure, i'm intimidated by math and science courses, but not because i won't understand them -- i'm just worried about actually having to work on them. even in high school, when i put forth almost no effort to science, i still got a's and b's in science and math courses - what gives?

while i find english to be the easiest subject for me (i.e. the one into which i can put the least work while still extracting awesome results), i can still excel in other fields. criminology, for instance: i have gone to about half the classes, read about a third of the assignments and turned in everything at the last minute. i get b's on her tests and have an a in the class. on the final, i'll probably get an a or a b. criminology is completely uninteresting to me, but it just makes sense. i don't understand how my classmates are failing while working hard at it. there has never been anything (except maybe art) that i have not been good at if i've really tried. when i even half-heartedly try to understand things that seem completely boggling -- i get it. why?

not that i'm complaining about my abilities.. i'm more worried about everyone else's lack. why does spelling come so easily? how can i read a book faster and with more understanding than my peers? why am i able to do a job that i loathe quickly and efficiently while my longer-employed coworkers struggle inexpertly with simple tasks?
i don't think i'm that bright.. so why does pretty much everyone else seem so dull?

i feel so egotistical, megalomaniacal, even while writing this, but it's something i've been meaning to address for a long time.
why am i towering above my compatriots? how can i put in almost no effort and push out work that far exceeds the hardest work of those i have to compete with? why is my last-minute paper nominated for an award!? (i finished the book for my ethan frome paper just moments before starting to write the paper.. the night before it was due).

it's troubling.. this success. and i wonder when i'll stop succeeding.

"the end of all you'll know"

2006-12-18T00:13:00.000-05:00

i really like entitling my entries with cryptic phrases stolen from songs to which i'm listening.. oh, i'm so .. scandalous!

so, on a separate note, i'm currently putting off work on my end-of-the-semester baloney: writing portfolio due in only hours, criminology take-home final due before 2pm tomorrow, studying for english 200 final (3pm) and the chaucer class final (6pm). why does everything end on the same day!? *stressssssed*

i'm not doing too badly, though. working pretty well on editing my work for the portfolio, halfway through tagging my chaucer text (which we can use on the final) with little plot summaries for each tale. i barely read through my english 200 notes and haven't even thought about the criminology test yet, unfortunately. blech. i don't want this semester to keep going, but i surely don't want it to end with all this work! oh, how i wish finals were optional.. i wouldn't do half of them, since i have a's in all these classes.. but i'm pretty sure i won't after their exams.

so, yeah.. i thought i'd share my procrastination with my absent readers and make myself feel smart over some hot chocolate (which i haven't yet made) and some groovin' tunes (ghost in the shell: stand alone complex soundtrack).
today a friend of mine was deferred from her top-choice college. she's pretty upset, as i was when i was deferred from my top-choice. you know, though.. i am so glad i didn't end up going to UD (university of delaware, that is). i am so happy at psu. it isn't just the (moderately) great teachers and the (relative) isolation (which i'm not so sure i enjoy) as it is the atmosphere up here.. the physical environment is a beautiful mesh of mountain and forest (though the local populace leaves something to be desired.. like intelligence, tolerance, and an escape from crippling imbecility). the educational environment is just as nice as the landscape: good teachers coupled with what has worked out to be decent class hours. it's nice to be on a small campus -- would i have been pushed right to the stage management position on "medea" had i been at university park? i think not. the small size of this campus has made it possible for me to really shine above my peers - but now it's time for a real challenge.

with my history of all these teachers catering to students who weren't good enough for university park, what will i find in "the big leagues" up at state? i know i'm in for a rough time finding classroom buildings (geography is not my strong suit..) and some difficulty with my classwork (two 400-level english classes, one 200-level english, a new language - italian, a dreaded science class, and a three-hour class every week on martin luther king, jr), but what else will i find difficult. will being surrounded by my best friends and their antics distract me more from my work than just missing them in 'toon-town? will i find myself lured into fraternity parties (dens of dissolution, as i like to call them) to disturb my clean arrest record and sobriety? will i get lost.. not just physically, but mentally among my peers? will i lose that ability to shine when i am among people who are on the same level as me.. or will i be able to rise above as i have not in the past?

as i reach the end of this semester, i find myself mostly looking forward to what seems to be a bright future, but i also find a few nagging worries and a few little doubts.
for now, though, i'm going to concentrate on punishing these finals and having a blast over holiday break with all our parties and plans.

so, to those of you still taking finals: good luck!
and, to those of you done and at home sitting around collecting cheeto dust: you'd better be at my parties, or i'll definitely be visiting little action figures of doom onto your properties.

the last post

2006-12-12T11:21:00.000-05:00

that title wasn't by mistake.
i just forgot about it.

there's that old saying: naked i go into the world, naked i leave it. biblical and natural, it says a few important things, mostly, though, it comments on our actions between birth and death.
we enter naked: clean of knowledge and sin, we come into the world to become the center of mommy's universe (ideally) and grow into a lacanian sort of lack. eventually, we become jaded. we forge our own fig leaves and mis/pre-conceptions.
we leave naked: as we die, we come to terms (ideally) with our own inadequacies and realize that, even though we are not fit for the job, we did fine. we have to abandon our lives and our concepts of self. here, we will frequently revert back to what lacan called the imaginary order of world understanding in which we are not separated, not distant from our peers, but whole and connected.
in between we are clothed: our ambitions and our concept of self is our clothing. we realize, as soon as we learn to differentiate between self and mommy (in what lacan refers to as the symbolic order transition), we learn that, through differences, we are unequal. mommy has height and power and nourishment, we have nothing but wails. we quickly learn how to manipulate our environment and to create a space for ourselves. we give ourselves goals (whether it be a diaper change or a college admission.. it's no matter.. goals, nonetheless). it's with these goals that we clothe ourselves, hide ourselves. life is a big round of fear and loathing and shame. if we have no goals, we are afraid of the future. if we have no prejudices, we die -- prejudice, in general, is our idea of what will happen from an interaction with another [noun]. for instance, a snake.. i afraid of it because i think will bite me. that supposition that provides the fear, the bite, is a prejudice. i've never been bitten by a snake, and certainly not by one that i chance to encounter in the future. still, my prejudice protects me: my loathing of the snake that might bite me protects me from bites. but shame.. that's the real kicker.
without shame, we are naked. if our ambitions are our clothes, then shamefulness is a lack of ambition. motivation notwithstanding, we, i think, all have goals. the level of our shame is determined by our evaluation of our goals and our relative success in meeting said goals. if, for instance, my goal is merely to survive day-to-day, i might value my goal pretty lowly, thus my level of shame is high because my level of clothing is low. or, if i succeed poorly at that goal, my shame level is also high because my successful clothing operation has failed and i am exposed.
if we do not value our goals, we cannot value ourselves because it isn't our "self" that we judge so much as our clothing, our ambitions and goals and our successes within them.

so, in between our periods of nudity, we have self-separate-awareness. in the beginning, we are one with our surroundings. very zen. in the end, also, we are one, but a more enlightened one in which we choose to be a whole.
in the in between, we are segmented and suffering, lacking, but not lethargic.

so, with "eye wide open" i am confronting my ambitions and suggesting that others do the same. i realize my position and i acknowledge it and, from that position of understanding, i can really evaluate the things that i thought before inaccessible to evaluation. and i can come to the conclusion that everything's gonna be ok.

"eyes wide open, naked as we came"

2006-12-12T11:06:00.000-05:00

I would like to begin using this blog as a forced means of making myself write, and think, every day.
it's very easy for me just to trudge through my days, not really giving a thought to thoughts. i used to aspire to be a writer -- i still do, though a different flavor. i wanted, all my childhood, to be a novelist: typewriter schlepping and infinitely wise to all manner of story and tale. i wanted to be that person who, despite what anyone said, created things unique and fabulous which would inspire people not just to love me, but to respect me.
i still crave that same respect, but in a different genre. because i am not overly taken with my own writing, i really don't expect anyone else to be blown away by it. my scholarship, though, is pretty valid. the ideas that i can forge based on a poem or a selection of prose are ...ridiculously varied and, while i still feel i inadequately cover many interpretations, i know i do a good, thorough job with the things which i consider. i find myself in holes sometimes.. sometimes a recognition within a literary piece just won't come -- those times are heart-breaking, but i am learning, slowly, to deal with them. i know that i cannot encompass the entire human span of understanding, so i regulate myself to the most poignant, telling points. and i love it. i get a genuinely rewarding feeling from writing a good paper which points out important things to a reader who might otherwise not even begin to grasp the depth in which a topic is spoken. i feel like a prophet. a very pretentious, probably boring prophet.
my prophesies, though, are not new revelations.. they are the culmination of thoughts, my thoughts, on what an author is saying about a certain subject. there is no canon to my prophesy, no scroll to back me up.

though i know that my field can be portrayed as just "pushing the envelope" or as just making points for the sake of making those points, i feel like, instead of envelopes, i'm shoving out borders, making room for new thought to explode out of the old. i can analyze virginia woolf.. a century old text.. and still come up with something new, something fresh forged from the perceivably rotted writing. i feel like i can reclaim the past through scholarly work. and i feel like that can be enough for me - just to cherish those contributions made by others and to help future others to recognize those donations. i will encourage them to make their own.

in class today, we did some "peer editing" which usually leaves a bad taste in my mouth. usually, i'm confronted by awful papers with hugely blatant grammatical errors which i can't even see past. today, i found mild errors .. and good work. i enjoyed the editing more than i might have ever enjoyed it in the past. i mean, i always like editing, copy-editing, even, but this was different.. this was a conversation of ideas between someone else's well-thought out work and my own conceptions on that person's work. i helped someone. i guided her through a rough patch in her own understanding and explication and i helped her to improve her work. it felt really good. not because i was doing something that i enjoy (picking out grammatical errors) but because i was actually teaching. teaching. i almost savor the few opportunities i have to do so... and it reminds me, everytime i lose faith in my ability or my destination, that i can teach, i can help. every paper i mark up with a black scrawl and pink highlighter is a validation of my ambitions.

new words; new works

2006-12-11T14:11:00.000-05:00

with only a week left of altoona, i find myself ...not preparing to miss it at all.

the small classes are wonderful and the attention from teachers is.. not something to scoff at, but i need more. the professors here always try to tie you down to this college and, it's good and all, but not what i need.

i'm doing good things for myself and others -- it's nice.

i make a conscious effort to make something of every day, be it a craft or a poem or a paper or even just a smile. it's become important to me to just do the little stuff that i would normally put off or shirk completely. i turn papers in on time. or early.

it's exhilarating to me to be able to finish things. everytime i make my little gifts, the gift becomes more important. a quarter sized mess of glue and ribbon and cardstock becomes so invested with my personality that i can't seem to do anything but smile at it.

i'm throwing a lot of holiday parties this year (and a lot of non sequiturs into this post). i think they'll be fun and will allow me to be creative on the budget that has been forcing me to create all semester. it's because i have no money that, instead of buying a cd for a friend, i make him a personalized mug, a special birthday card. it's because i can't afford flowers that i'll make them out of paper. i used to cherish strictly formed poetry because it gave me borders within which to go wild.. i never thought that financial restrictions could act them same way.

i feel good. i'm sick (blugh!) but i feel great. it's a nice change.

destruction

2006-09-22T20:41:00.000-05:00

my last post was a lament about my recent lack of creation.
what i neglected to mention though, was that destruction can be a form of creation. in fact, it's one that i've become particularly good at of late.

without destruction there can be no rebirth and birth isn't really worth anything without being a reincarnation of something. consider an infant: it's not a unique individual, not yet, at any rate. an infant is merely a reincarnation, a reinstitution of its parents. that topic is a post of itself - perhaps for later exploration.

so, back to destruction: i've destroyed a lot of things. a few hopes here and there, some naivete (hopefully), a little immaturity; i've killed a few relationships. from these deaths, though, have come all the new ways that i've been able to view things and to feel. i'm strongly reminded of tarot cards. death is a card that .. well, it tends to be scary. not because it's death, per se, but because it is change. nothing can be more frightening than change. except, perhaps, idleness. stagnation.

edit: now, it's been almost three months since i started this post and i'm just now feeling up to the finish. it has been a really long semester... it's almost over now, though, and i can't help but be relieved. i'll be moving up to state college soon, but, sooner than that, i can go home and spend time with my loved ones -- the friends and family that i neglect all year long.
i feel like i cheat my loved-ones (which i think is a terrible term, for the record). except for matthew, i hardly spend enough time with any of them. not enough decent time, that is. sure, i spend hours talking to friends, but.. am i really paying attention? when was the last time i hung on their words, hinged my soul on their thoughts?

this post started about change, and it'll end with change. the last post started, and ended, with helplessness... this one is, hopefully, a change for the better. i've started creating again. just little paper pieces turned into fun gifts, but it means a lot more to me than just paper and ribbon. i feel like a person again.

i was thinking about sending in a secret to postsecret. but, complete anonymity isn't my style. so, i'll keep it to myself, and maybe sneak it out later.. through the back door and into the sun.

helplessness

2006-09-20T20:30:00.000-05:00

what a way to start a/n ..anything, really. helplessness is a feeling i've dealt with a lot.. especially lately.

i feel so empty without being able to produce anything. not anything creative, at least. all summer, i spent emotionally crippled and crippling. i didn't create anything.

in much the same way that i dislike the touch of certain abhorrent fabrics, so too do i loathe the feeling of not. Not. important enough to capitalize.
"there's nothing i hate more than nothing. nothing keeps me up at night. i toss and turn over nothing; nothing could cause a great big fight." -- edie brickell and the new bohemians.

i'm reading things everyday and finding things that i would love to be and to make and to love, but.. i never seem to find the time or the motivation. i'm hoping that this blog will provide me with a sort of outlet for the things i've been holding in lately. i'm hoping it can be the release i'm looking for.